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If it requires pants, its not happening today.
The hardest part of the job interview is knowing the best moment to lean in for the kiss.
I`m really good at acting like I`m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
They should make a medal for anyone who uses an entire tube of chapstick without losing it.
Note to Self: Next time I leave my wife a message that I`m in a threesome all afternoon, specify it`s golf.
If going to church has taught me anything, it is that Catholics hate unexpected pterodactyl impressions.
I`m thinkin` Dodgeball........... but with random people..........who don`t know they are playing.............
Homeless people should make more creative signs like "I bet you can`t hit me with a quarter...b!tch!"
If I ask my dad to take a picture of me with my phone there is a 99% chance it will be a video of me yelling "It`s the button on the left!"
I`m not lazy, I just rest before I get tired
I didn’t give you the finger...you earned it.
Dear Dr Phil, I was watching my next door neighbor`s wife sunbathing topless from my bedroom window. As I was enjoying myself I turned to notice my lady was just standing there, arms folded...watching me. Is she a pervert?
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
Missing my childhood super-powers, when I could sleep on the couch and wake up in bed.
I`m gonna just take a quick nap before I go to bed.