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Why do people with bad breath always have to tell me secrets?
Why do they play this music on the elevators if we`re not suppose to slow dance.
I wish I could use Shazam to identify people when I cant remember their name.
Dear Mom, If all my friends jumped off a cliff, it`s because it was my idea. Sincerely, Your child is a leader, not a follower.
To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes a great Subway sandwich.
Saying “do I smell popcorn ” right after you fart, so everyone takes in a deep breath.
I`m so hot I stalk myself ;)
Happy National hear fireworks all day and night set off by Drunk People you wouldn`t trust with a Glo-Stick Day.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren`t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
If you didn’t want me stopping by for cake, you shouldn`t have advertised your birthday with balloons & banner on your mailbox.
My love is like a candle, If you forget about me, I`ll burn your frikin house down!
You know you`re all grown up when you actually pick up the ice cube instead of kick it under the fridge.
If my week was a YouTube video, Monday would be that crappy ad that doesn`t let you skip.
Hopefully because of social networking, I`ve tarnished my reputation enough for anybody to ever place me in a role of great responsibility.
I wouldn`t do much for a Klondike Bar; I would however get naked for beer.