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I made a bucket list for when I kick the bucket. Number one: Wear shoes! Ever tried kicking a metal bucket without shoes? Hurt like hell.
"Check, please!" - Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
So how long before GoFundMe is our nation`s leading health care provider?
Look, all I`m saying is if you didnt want me to take my clothes off and do an interpretive dance you should have turned off Michael Jacksons "man in the mirror".
went to vegas: put a coin in the machine and a prize came out, put another coin and another prize came out...problem is i don`t know what to do with all these empty cans now.
If I ask my dad to take a picture of me with my phone there is a 99% chance it will be a video of me yelling "It`s the button on the left!"
I bet blind people think farts are funnier than deaf people.
When people say "To be honest...", it means that up to that point they`ve been lying.
“we should hang out soon” loosely translates to I’m doing everything in my power to end this stupid conversation.
I have an irrational fear of speed bumps but, I’m slowly getting over it.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
If Kanye didn`t sing "Gold Digger" while Kim walked down the aisle, I`m not interested in hearing anything about their wedding.
Why is it when I flush the toilet in the middle of the night, I have a feeling I woke up the entire neighbourhood?
If he only wants you for your breasts, legs, and thighs; Send him to KFC by SIMO
Why can`t we just change the spelling to fit the way it sounds: Bologna = Bolony Lasagna = lasania knife= nife tsunami = sunami politician = a$$hole