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What`s a burnt pizza, frozen beer & a pregnant girl have in common? There was a DUMBASS who didn`t take it out in time.
The advantage of a bad memory is that one enjoys several times the same good things for the first time.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere.
If you are having anxiety over something you`ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
By the time I realized my parents were right, I had kids that didn`t believe me.
Must be nice to get married and finally know who the number one suspect in your murder case will be
Look for my new diet book: "How To Work Out And Watch What You Eat And Still Gain Plenty Of Weight"
Never forget that we live in a world in which it is easier to get out of a marriage than a mobile-phone contract.
Nascar would be so more entertaining if they threw banana peels and turtle shells.
If you touch your phone in the right places, a pizza will arrive at your door.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend.......who`s in with me?
I have always been suspicious of Wendy`s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
Do you have to water a Pointsettia or do they die on their own?
I don`t think we appreciate this era enough. For instance, none of us will see old photos of our moms whoring it up on Instagram.
I will admit, my statuses sound a bit different when read aloud by the prosecuting attorney.