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One good thing about being ugly is that when someone stares at you for too long you automatically know they wanna rob you.
I love screwing with the minds of the foreign tech support guys. "My name is Perry, not Terry. With a P as in Pterodactyl."
That microwavable meal was delicious and filling! – no one ever
There is a special place in hell for people who are not ready to order when it`s their turn.
There are two types of people in this world: people who pee in the shower and liars.
I hate it when people radiotype us blondes as dumb.
Some guy waved to me and then walked up and said, “Sorry, I thought you were someone else.” .... I said, “I am.”
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can`t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
People born in 1994-1999 have lived in three decades, two centuries, and two millenniums. & they are not even 18 yet.
“I wonder how much weight I’ve lost.” -Me, after eating one healthy meal.
Why do we feel safe under blankets? It’s not like a murderer will come in thinking “I’m gonna ki..-ahhh. Damn, he’s under a blanket.”
American Sniper proves that not even being in an active war zone will prevent your spouse from calling you at work.
All I`m saying is there`s a reason all the best love songs have the word crazy in them.
Having the worst day ever. All traffic lights I passed were green so I had to stop on the side of the road to check my Facebook like some caveman.
Ugh, I forgot to go to the gym today. That`s 9 years in a row now...