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Holiday Shopping Tip #112:Next time you see someone with their arms full of bags looking around a parking lot while pointing and clicking their horn button, help them out and start pushing your horn button too!
I hate to sound racist, but.. all of your baby ultrasounds look the same.
Hi Iām a spider & I can make your girlfriend scream louder than you can.
We are the only ones who can control our own happiness, but sometimes it feels like someone else is holding the remote.
I don`t have mistletoe this year, so we`ll just have to kiss under the influence.
They say `No news is good news,` but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
joined a nudist colony last week ... the first few days were the hardest!
Note to self: Stop leaving notes to yourself, you never read them anyway...
Please pray for the people still playing Farmville on Facebook.
Some people just need a high-five. In the face. With a chair. Made of steel. Twice. From Hulk. On adrenaline rush.
Which one of you is Moderation? I keep getting told we need to drink together.
Do you think the inventor of the USB will be buried twice? The 2nd time because they put him in the wrong way?
Life is just a series of obstacles preventing you from taking a nap.
I`m perfect you adjust.
There are plenty of fish in the sea ...That`s cool and all....but I`m a human.