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Love is like Wi-Fi, you can`t see it, but you know when you`ve lost it.
I used to be a camera man in the porn industry but it became too hard...
When you are dead, you don`t know you are dead, but other people do. The same applies when you are stupid.
Seeing a spider isn`t a problem. It becomes a problem when the spider disappears.
I just read that Lindsay Lohan is headed for rehab. It`s like 2008 all over again. Or 2009. Or 2010. Or 2011. Or 2012
Dear, automatic flushing toilet, I appreciate the enthusiasm.... But I wasn`t finished.
FUN THING TO WRITE ON A POST CARD: “Weather is great, having tons of fun! Are you still planning to murder your mailman?”
Bike helmets only protect you from looking cool.
Every Chrysler commercial should begin with them apologizing for the PT Cruiser.
There may be no excuse for laziness, but I`m still looking.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
A cop just pulled me over and said papers - so I said scissors, I win and drove off.
Still waiting on the "Once you go black, you`ll never go back" episode of Mythbusters.
Gardening is awesome because it is one of the only ways a normal person can be persuaded into buying actual bags of poop.
My family tree is a cactus, we`re all pricks.