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I really need a long road trip, top down, in the Jeep...with a cooler....loud music....and an extra cooler in case the first one isn`t enough
I’m at Code 5 today. I don’t know. It’s something this lady in the coffee shop said and I liked it. So now I’m using it, too.
Crazy? ... My therapist does say I should quit talking to myself.
I hate when I text a girl "I love you" and she`s like "no you don`t." Like bitch, I just fapped to your profile picture, I think I`d know.
I’m better at remembering people who have bad breath than important historical facts.
My Viagra addiction was the hardest time of my life.
I think it`s really strange how some people talk to their animals, give them personalities and make up voices for them. My dog, Benjamin, agrees with me.
Last night I was drunk and asked a cat if it could talk. It said, “Me? How?”
Someone told me once that to have more confidence during sex, put in a live concert album while doing it. That way, you will hear applause every 3-4 minutes but I did it wrong. Accidentally put in a live concert album and all I heard was laughter!
What I lack in sex appeal I make up in staying home and drinking.
People always say that alcohol kills... but if you think about it .... it causes many births too.
Nice try speed bumps, it`s a rental.
All cookies are "bite size" if you believe in yourself enough.
Wondering if my heart is healthy enough for sex ... volunteers needed.
Million dollar idea: A snooze button that lets you sleep longer the harder you hit it.