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Please either stop being so attractive or make out with me, it`s your choice.
Just woke up next to my bed. Not sure if I fell out or didn`t quite make it in.
If you are used to seeing a fat, naked guy walk around his house, then you are probably my neighbor.
If history has taught us anything, it’s that reheated french fries are gross.
Well, I`m really not sure what my spirt animal is but I`m sure it looks like road kill right about now.
I have an alcohol problem, in that I can`t afford any.
How many HA’s equal a LOL? How about a LMAO? Is there a conversion chart somewhere?
I`m God`s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
Sometimes I buy huge pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
You know a guy likes you when his pants give you a thumbs up ;)
If your cat has a Facebook page, we can`t be friends.
Going to the skate park to watch people fall.
Sometimes I wish I was a nicer person but then I laugh and continue my day.
Don`t judge a man by how low his pants hang below his a$$...just kidding, that`s a great reason to judge someone.
Kissing a sleeping woman in an animated Disney movie is romantic but do it on a bus and the judge doesn`t agree.