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It’s called karma, and it’s pronounced “haha! Screw you!”
I used to have a tremendous sex drive. My girlfriend lived 150 miles away
2 words, 1 finger.
Do one thing every day that scares you. Or one thing that scares other people.
I’m not shy, I’m holding back my awesomeness, so I don’t intimidate you..
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim.
There`s both a McDonald`s and a blood pressure machine at our Walmart. Circle of life.
I`m always on the verge of running three miles, or drinking a bottle of Vodka
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.
All I want for Christmas is for these calories to not count.
To whoever said “fight fire with fire”: do you actually test your own advice before giving it?
The other night, I posted on Facebook I was going to sleep shirtless. The next day I logged on and saw 7 mosquitoes "like" this.
Remember....... Its not drinking alone if you`re on Facebook ;)
Just because she weighed as much as two women doesn`t mean you had a threesome