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"Oh Sh!t, Was That Today?" my autobiography
Always have faith and believe in yourself…well because..the rest of us think you’re an idiot!
I will never be to old to laugh when somone farts in a public bathroom peeing..
I just scrolled so far back on Facebook`s Timeline... I wound up back over on MySpace. :(
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes.
Dear penis, thanks for not bleeding once a month. Sincerely, every man ever.
Don`t expect me not to hopscotch all over your house if you have fancy tiles.
The only thing Facebook has ever done for me is make me realize a lot of my friends are idiots.
Putting your finger on someone`s lips and saying "Shhhh... Not another word" is super-romantic. But the cops didn`t think so.
I don’t know why you put your boat in Sh!t Creek to begin with.
Follow your dreams. Unless it’s a person ... apparently they call that stalking.
Those days where you don`t take anyone`s sh!t ... Yeah, today is one of those days.
Oh the weather outside is frightful, And this booze is damn delightful
Keep up the good work, people who make free porn available.
The "Beware of Cat" sign posted outside my house doesn`t seem to be having the desired affect.