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Five years ago my boss asked me where I wanted to be in five years. I finally know the answer: Not Here
If I could have dinner with anyone either alive or dead. I would totally choose dead. Because, more food for me then.
The way my kids act at Walmart, it`s just a matter of time before the security camera footage is a hit reality show!
Sometimes I wanna copy someone´s status word for word and see if they notice.
My cat’s gonna be homeless unless he comes up with something funny to post on YouTube.
Ziploc`s idea of how big a sandwich should be is very different from mine.
I think when a restaurant has "lobster celebration" it is very misleading to the lobster.
I don’t have time for the nervous breakdown I deserve.
Do you ever wish that you could just unmeet someone.
Say what you want about the porn industry. But they are hard workers.
I asked my wife what women really want, she said attentive lovers. Or maybe she said "a tent of lovers." I wasn`t really listening.
I just threw up my weekend.
To Do List: 1: Buy a knife 2: Call it kindness 3: Kill people with Kindness
I`m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest any of you in despair and disappointment?
There’s no excuse for laziness.. but if you find one, let me know.