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“I went to Jared” I whispered as she slowly opened the velvety box of Subway coupons.
Missed Connection: You were standing at the RedBox. I was in my car self pleasuring. I accidentally honked like 8 times.
If you are used to seeing a fat, naked guy walk around his house, then you are probably my neighbor.
I remember, once upon a time... for about 2 seconds... about 13 years ago... I almost gave a damn.
I got pulled over for drunk driving last night. In my defense I didn`t even know I was driving.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than turning off the lights in a public bathroom while people are still inside.
Monday must be a man ... It comes too quickly.
Blue&Black or White&Gold? Who cares what color the dress is, so long as its balled up on the floor of my bedroom.
I pointed to two hags sitting across the bar from us and told my friend "That`s us in 10 years". She said "That`s a mirror".
I saw some footage of some polar bears drinking water today. It’s obviously fake. Everybody knows they only drink Coca-Cola.
I think 90% of the software on my computer doesn`t do anything except send me notices that there`s a new version of itself.
It`s impossible to get a parking ticket if you don`t have windshield wipers.
Some days you`re the Titanic, some days you`re the iceberg, and some days you`re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
Sitting out in my front yard pointing a hair dryer at speeding cars to see if any slow down.
I have a condition that renders me unable to go on a diet… I get hungry.