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Oh, I have an idea!!..oh wait, no I don`t
Remember kids, NEVER light fireworks. Let the adults, who have been drinking all day, light them instead!
It`s hard to diet when your favorite exercise is chewing...
Hardest question in a relationship, "What do you feel like eating?"
The fastest way to get someone to call you back is to take a shower.
Just ate a whole bag of chips, but it was “reduced fat” so basically it was like going to the gym.
Fun Fact: Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
If you have alphabet fridge magnets, and morals. You probably shouldn`t invite me over.
I don’t mind going to work. It’s that eight-hour wait to go home that bugs me.
Is it just me or is waking up at 3am and trying to read a text message like looking directly into the sun?
If you need some help at Home Depot and are being ignored, get on one of their step ladders.
If you don’t already hate people, the mall is a great place to start.
Porn & love songs. Destroying reality forever.
My package finally came today. this is awesome....it means I have bubble wrap to play with
Just got a Cheerio stuck between my toes walking through the kitchen. Clearly my dog isn’t doing his part of the chores around here.