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Nothing f*cks up your Friday like realizing that it’s only Thursday.
Why fall in love when you can fall asleep?
Marriage. Because otherwise hating someone for turning the page of a newspaper too loudly would seem absurd
Me: Dad, going to the 50cents concert. Dad: Here`s a dollar, take your sister with you.
Weird that we don`t see more pants on fire
Next time a guy asks for your number, write it down in Roman numerals. If he manages to call you, he`s a keeper.
Every novel is a mystery novel if you never finish it.
I guess I`m somewhat of a big deal, I tell people about my accomplishments and they say "big Deal
An ex asking to stay friends after you break up is like a kidnapper asking to stay in touch after they let you go.
Take me seriously at your own risk.
My new girlfiend is taking forever to exist.
I’ve never met a weekend that I didn’t like.
So the Boy Scouts are going to let girls join. Teenage boys and girls camping in the woods together. What could possibly go wrong?
You`d think the self checkout lanes would have more mirrors.
I accidentally opened the fitness app on my phone for the first time ever. It just began pointing at me & laughing.