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This cat poop tastes like I`m about to get yelled at -Dogs
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
I wonder if any Disney managers ever start a meeting off with "What kind of Mickey Mouse operation are we running around here?"
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
This Coffee has given me unrealistic expectations of productivity.
Thank God you`ve updated your status to "Finished lunch" after you first posted "Going to lunch" I really couldn`t tolerate more suspense.
Smile, it´s the second best thing you can do with your lips.
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to `Brandy from the club` then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.
People should be required to pay an extra dollar for every syllable of their coffee order.
Had a super busy day today converting oxygen into carbon dioxide.
I have some jokes about unemployment but they need some work.
And Jesus said, those footprints on the beach where two sets become one, that`s where I unfollowed you.
I keep a second pair of shoes at work, I don`t want people to recognize me when I`m pooping.
If there`s anything I`ve learned in my 27 years, it`s to never admit your real age.
I secretly like days when none of my Facebook friends have birthdays.