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If you`re out running in jeans, I`m gonna go ahead and assume you just participated in a felony.
This Donut-Scented Car Air Freshener will more than pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present....They are due back at the library today.
Only 2 phrases can change a woman’s mood: ”I Love You” and ”50% Off”.
Remember, no matter how bad a day you may be having, no matter how sh!tty a situation you may be in... I`m feeling great. So it`s all good!
I`ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him the picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator: "Wtf Dude, you`re 23."
No way the guy from Operation is insured for any of those ridiculous medical procedures.
Dropping a can of soda and sticking it back in the fridge all shaken up for the next person to open is not as funny when you live by yourself.
I already want to take a nap tomorrow.
Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.
My girlfriend left a note on the fridge, "It`s not working. I cant take it anymore, I`m going to moms" I opened the fridge, the light came on, the beer was cold, WTF is she talking about?
If you could have one super power would you pick flying, invisibility, or falling asleep without questioning every decision you`ve ever made
Actually, when I went to New Orleans, I blacked out too.
We’ve solved so many world problems, and yet chocolate still has calories.
I just don`t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?