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I`ve been starting my diet tomorrow for the last 20 years.
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone`s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
"Grow a pear." - How to insult an apple tree.
You haven`t really made it until people start using your name as a verb.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it`s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
No matter how bad your day seems, just remember that someone out there has to clean the bathroom at Taco Bell.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren`t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
The existence of the `snooze` button tells you everything you ever need to know about the human race.
Orion`s Belt is a huge waist of space.
Saw a bug crawling on my arm and my reaction can only be described as “grabbing for swirling dollars inside a plexiglas Cash Cube.”
When it`s raining I don`t work, when its sunny I don`t work, when its cloudy I call in sick!
My wife told me I have to quit playing poker all the time but I think she`s bluffing...
I`m tired of being the better person. One day I`d like to be the b!tch they claim I am.
As a kid, I used to be afraid of the dark. Now as an adult, I love the dark because I’m terrified of the electricity bill.
If you want to talk to me on the phone, I need at least three days notice.