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Every parent’s superpower is the ability to communicate “I love you!” and “I will kill you!” with a single look.
A guy outside the grocery store asked me if I had a few seconds to save the environment. I told him, I feel like it would take longer than that
I just decorated my bedroom to look like my desk at work so I can fall sleep faster.
I really thought 2015 had potential to be “my year” but we’re 2 months in and that ship has sailed so I’ll try again for 2016.
I`d take Cap`n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren`t on his hat.
I just bought a medical alert bracelet that says ... "Probably just sh!tfaced."
Bored? Text "Our condom broke." to a random number
I could totally handle twins, triplets even quadruplets. Hold it, you`re talking about BABIES?
I want you to know that whatever problems you`re having, I`m here to read about it on Facebook
No. My hair magically got shorter.
I`ve dieted and worked out enough to realize that the only way I`m getting smokin` hot is by getting cremated.
Well it`s almost time for that " New Year -- New Me " bullsh_t again!
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
I Don`t Care If you Don`t Like Me .. Iam Not A Facebook Status :D
I`m terribly conflicted when people I hate from work, bring cupcakes.