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A telephone survey says that 51 percent of college students drink until they pass out at least once a month. The other 49 percent didn`t answer the phone.
It’s 2013, why does good food still have calories.
I can`t be trusted with your alphabet magnets.
Went down the gym and burnt 1200 calories today. I forgot to take the pizza out of the oven!
I was like "No, Pepsi is NOT ok. I wanted a Coke." And she was all "Sir, 911 should only be dialed for real emergencies."
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
PRO TIP: If you see a woman crying, never ask if its because of her hair.
The bottle of Pepto Bismol say’s 4 out of every 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one of them enjoys it?
Improve your day by ordering coffee in the voice you use for your pets.
Tips for Guys on Valentine`s Day: Tell your girl you already got something and make her guess. She`ll automatically list things she wants.
Being human is expensive and exhausting.
I`m so poor I went to the ducks today to beg for bread...
Stop undressing me with your eyes!...Use your teeth!
So there`s a t.v. show called, It`s Me or the Dog?.. I was disappointed to find out its not a game show where people guess who farted
if you don`t have anything nice to say, come sit by me, and we can make fun of people together.