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Steve Jobs is now working with God to make iWife... Beauty with brains and Mute button
Accidentally bought a bag of raw almonds. Turns out I don`t like almonds, I like salt.
Restaurant Advertisement: We serve food as HOT as your neighbour’s wife; And beer as COLD as your own. :)
I used to be in a band called ‘Missing Cat’. You probably saw our posters on poles.
Saying an actors performance was unbelievable is actually an insult.
Calm down, take a deep breath and hold it for about 20 minutes.
The internet is just another location for people to be wrong about things.
I might wake up early and go running but I also might win the lottery the odds are about the same
I`ve never gone to bed with an ugly woman. Woken up to a whole bunch of them though.
Stop waiting for the perfect moment. Take a moment and make that sh!t perfect.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
Everything is legal when the cops aren`t around.
A court date is still technically a date, right?
You know what I just realized that in school they teach you not to do what you don`t want to do yet they still give us homework and we get in trouble because we didn`t want to do it ( confused )
If 3 people have sex, it`s called a 3-some. If 2 people have sex, it`s called a 2-some. I guess we now know why they call you HAND-some.