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My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
I tend to avoid things that make me look fat. You know like scales, mirrors and photographs
The circus may no longer come to town but at least we’re guaranteed to always see a few clowns in Washington.
I`m sorry, your photo is so confusing. You`re gonna need to hashtag every detail of it for me so I can grasp what`s going on here.
I was drivin home tonight and was singin away and seen a tree ahead and swerved to miss it and realized it was my air freshener hangin from my rear view mirror!!!! CLOSE CALL!!!
Sometimes it’s just easier to eat the last slice of pizza than fit the box in the fridge.
Most of you like waking up in the morning to see the "comments" and "likes" that your status received. I like waking up in the morning to see WTF I posted!
Personality is 40% genetics, 40% upbringing, and 20% the last movie you watched.
You are by far my smartest and best looking friend on Facebook.
Don’t be upset that you’re single; be happy that someone isn’t ruining your life.
You use Google every day but I bet you can’t remember the order of the colors.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else...
The best part of winter coming is that all the bugs are rotting in hell where they belong.
It`s amazing how tired I get from how little I do.
I party until the taxi with the pretty red and blue lights picks me up.