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Sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck.
Eventually, some poor astronaut is going to crash into all that Star Wars writing
I was on way home this morning when I seen an AA van pulled in and the driver was crying his eyes out. I thought to myself that guy is heading for a breakdown.
Imagine this: You`re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers `Bless you` and hangs up.
Friendship is like peeing on yourself; everyone can see it but only you can feel the warmth that it brings.
Sometimes it looks like I’m flashing gang signs, but really I’m just trying to get Scotch tape off my hand.
I just bought Velcro shoes.... What a rip off!
Going to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me with that needle, I run off yelling `thanks for the free shave loser!`
Tip to get out of jury duty: Begin every answer with "According to the prophecy."
Have you guys seen the new documentary about white trash? I only saw the trailer.
Dont you hate it when you open a bag of chips and its half full?! Yeah, that´s how us guys feel about push-up bras!!
You can get away with farting at the zoo because you can always blame the animals...
During the holidays people have to make a choice between enjoying the holidays or spending it with the relatives.
I`ve got worms !!!! ......... worms in me garden
I`m pretty sober, but I`m prettier drunk.