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Welcome to Alzheimer`s Club. I see a lot of new faces today.
Ha! Who`s laughing now, f*ckers that took your Christmas lights down last year!
You know your ugly when the dog has to close his eyes to hump your leg
“They dared me to” is ALWAYS a valid excuse.
I went to McDonald`s to grab my boys a couple of Happy meals. The guy serving me says "Would you like a Boy Toy"? I was like, "listen hear you little sh!t, you couldn`t handle me if you tried"!! What is this world coming too... :))
Facebook is basically just you having a conversation with yourself hoping that someone else will join in.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
I had been dreaming about eating a giant marshmallow, when I woke up my pillow was gone! :O
It`s Friday the 13th. Good thing I`m not superstitious, it`s unlucky to be superstitious...
It`s only a 4 way stop if each driver can read
Definitely never want to own a small fruit stand in an action movie.
Stole a cart from this woman at Walmart today. I like to think of it as playing grand theft auto suburbs edition.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
I`m not a mechanic so I don`t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
When ur mom Calls and u have a party at ur house you; shut up!! Answers phone you; hi mommy!