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You know you are getting old when you see girls from TEEN category moved to MATURE & MILFS.
Sometimes, late at night in the market..i switch up all the color tubes in the hair dye kits.
If I had to describe myself in one word it would be “doesn’t know how to follow directions.”
I`d rather have my arms fall off than make two trips carrying in groceries.
I´m on a whisky diet. I´ve lost three days already!
Well, the people outside are frightful.
I went for a run but came back home after 2 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I`m fat and can`t run for more than 2 minutes.
Not to brag, but I’m pretty good in bed. I don’t snore or steal covers, and I only pee if something startles me.
It turns out that 3 is the amount of times you can suck on your dentist`s finger before she stops believing that you`re doing it accidentally.
Car commercials make driving around in empty parking structures look fun and normal and not suspicious or kidnappy.
I hope this coffee gives me the energy to look busy all day.
Imagine coming home from a long vacation and finding your bathroom towels are wet from just being used. I can do that to your ex if you want.
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said "Never mind."
I think the saying "every man for himself" was made up by women tired of making sandwiches.
Do a little dance... Drink a lot of rum... Fall down tonight...