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The best nicknames are the ones you don’t even know you have.
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it`s there to stab potential taco thieves.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
Some people wouldn`t understand irony if it beat them over the head with a helmet.
I`m getting so many spam emails. “Grow Your Hair Back”…”Lose weight now” …”Enlarge your manhood”… Wait… these are from my wife.
1: Say "Unh! 2: Mumble three spanish words. 3: list four cities. You just made a Pitbull song.
You can tell by a woman`s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
Another tragedy today in the music industry.....Justin Beiber was just found alive in his apartment. :(
Everything I like is expensive, illegal, or won’t text me back.
If guys were smart, they’d forget the nightclubs and watch the supermarket for girls who buy frozen dinners and cat food.
Part of being sane is being a little bit crazy.
What do we want? An end to auto-correct errors! When do we want it? Cow! Sow! Bow! Tow! Duck this...
Apparently it`s ok to leash your dog to a bike rack, but it`s illegal to leash your kid to one. Parenting is hard...
Falling out of bed the fun way. Oh wait, there isn`t a fun way....
I got kicked out of the audience of "Cats" on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.