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Attempting to guilt me in to doing something, is the surest way to make sure it never happens.
I learned how to kiss passionately by practicing on my hand, but now it just uses me for sex.
"No I don’t need any help. I know more about booze than you do" - Me to the liquor store clerk
Sometimes, I`ll start a text with "lol" if it might be a sensitive subject. Like, "lol it`d be cool if you moved out."
I just want to buy an old Mercedes Benz,so people will think I have been rich for a long time.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself: "I`m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute."
When I squeeze a tube of `whitening toothpaste` and it’s blue, I’m like, well this is off to a bad start.
Did you know: Your life expectancy decreases every time you ... PISS ME OFF
A psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ. Here’s how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.
However lonely you feel, you`re never alone. [There are literally millions of bugs, mites and bacteria living in your house.] Goodnight.
Procrastination is a dish best served eventually.
Don’t be upset that you’re single; be happy that someone isn’t ruining your life.
Nothing says "friend zone" quite like a girl saying "you`re like a brother to me." (Disregard this message if you`re from Alabama)
wants to rock and roll all night
Dear Boyfriend, Your wallet was getting fat so I thought I’d take it out for some exercise. Sincerely, your Girlfriend.