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The voices in my head tell me not to listen to the voices in my head, and now I don`t know who to listen to anymore
They say money can`t buy you happiness, but I`ve got a receipt from the liquor store telling a whole different story.
To the squirrel carrying the mushroom up a tree to his nest: you may want to eat that with your feet firmly on the ground, buddy.
Perfect relationships exist in thoughts, movies, and Facebook timelines.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don`t know who`s winning
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
The songs I like always come on when Iām supposed to be getting out of my car.
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming... 1. Whenever you`re wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you`re right, shut up.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said "seriously?" after a comment you made during an argument.
Girls, dont read this please: Hey guys, isn`t it funny how our wives/or girlfirends really think that we care what they did that day? lol.....it never gets old.
If I ever had to run for my life, I would probably die.
There are many different ways one can save energy. I normally use the couch.
All my dance moves look like i`m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
In my day we had to roll the windows up and down with our bare hands.
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn`t met me yet