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I`ve considered changing career paths and becoming a demolitions expert, but then I hear the education may cost me an arm and a leg.
You know you`re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature`s.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
"Mail your packages early so the Post Office can lose them in time for Christmas."
A German boy pushed his brother off a cliff. He then turned to his mother and said "Look Mom! No Hans!"
Say no to drugs! Then again, if you`re talking to drugs, you`re probably already on drugs.
My chiropractor just told me that I`m well adjusted. See? Not everyone thinks I`m a total weirdo...
Seems like you must have been pretty stupid to get caught for murder in the 1800s
I made a huge TO DO list for this weekend. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
My blood test came back as B+ Any tips how I can get an A+ next time?
Nice try, Henry Winkler, but I’m not inclined to take mortgage advice from a guy who lived above the Cunningham’s garage for like ten years.
With all the new car technology you would think someone could invent a side mirror that could show where an object actually appears.
Intelligence is like underwear. It`s important that you have it but there`s no need to show it off.
You call them ‘naps’ but I prefer to call them ‘alcohol-induced aftershocks`
If I were the guy who made the Where`s Waldo books I would have totally made a page where Waldo wasn`t there