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Today: I`m going to be understanding, productive, and nice. WHAT? Stop laughing! I`m serious!
I got married so that I can be autocorrected even when my phone is off.
*Financial Status* Just rinsed off a paper plate...
Politicians and diapers should be changed regularly and for the same reason...
If everyone would stop screaming, I`m sure we`d all agree I`m not supposed to be in this women`s restroom.
I think all priuses are gay transformers living here on earth
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I remind myself that you cant always trust Google maps
Ladies, if he calls you crazy, don`t get upset. Crazy girls are better in bed so take it as a compliment. But stab him, just in case...
“Shh.. Do you hear that?” “What? I heard nothing.” “Exactly, it’s the sound of no one caring.”
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn`t notice... until they needed to wink at somebody.
I guess I’ll take my Christmas tree down today.
Imagine how creepy the first guy to dress up as a clown must have been, where in hell did he get that idea?
LSD makes users lose weight` That makes sense, it`s kinda hard to get to the fridge when there`s a dragon guarding it.
Think about how much more stressful life’s most stressful moments would be if accompanied by the running-out-of-time music in Mario Bros.
Sometimes I send status updates from my phone so it looks like I left the house.