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A wireless bra? They weren`t tricky enough, now I need a password?
facebook cuz am too old to have imaginery friends
Sometimes when i`m following a recipe and it says to bake at 350 degrees, I will turn it up to 355 just to be a rebel.
It appears that autocorrect has become my worst enema.
Drinking doesn’t make me post better Facebook statuses; it simply makes me not care what you think of them…
I will write something profound ... subsoil!
I’m just going to put an “Out of Order” sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
I’m like a kid in a candy store. I can’t afford anything.
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don`t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
That awkward moment when your parents don’t appreciate the hilarious child they have.
I would offer moral support ... But my morals are questionable.
I`ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don`t have the game so I may need new meds...
Excuse me sir, where do you keep the "Whoomp"? Oh, there it is.
Sometimes I wish there was a `Build-a-Girlfriend`.
If someone invites you to their wedding, it`s apparently bad form to say "Sorry I can`t make it but I`ll come to your next one".