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Picking out the right Christmas tree is a science. Sneaking into your neighbor`s yard to cut it down is an art.
I’m a really down to earth guy because, you know, gravity.
See, this is why I never like too wake up, it means doing things.
We have those sticky traps all around the house and I just found one moved clear across the room with all sorts of hair on it....so if anyone see`s a BALD mouse running around, it belongs to me
Alcohol and calculus don’t mix… Don’t drink and derive!
Jack The Ripper would be a great name for a fitness trainer.
We all need that special person in our lives that makes it worth while to shave our pubes.
I`m sorry, all I hear is your perfume
Relationship status: Are you gonna eat that?
You can lead a horse to water but I`d rather ride it to the liquor store.
FACT: There’s always room for another cupcake.
New philosophy on life: Do unto others, then run like hell.
If you have a Selfie Stick Pro, go back two spaces.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
My problem is, I`m about 30% stud, and 70% muffin.