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My girlfriend and I have an open relationship and will continue to do so right up until she finds out.
Top uses for Golf Balls: 1. Describing hail storms 2. Describing tumors 3. Playing golf
Given enough coffee, I could rule the world.
5 years ago I asked the girl of my dreams out on a date, today I asked her to marry me ... She said no both times
Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding… that the other person is a complete idiot!
I`ve learned to take life as it comes...straight with no chaser.....
That moment when you put your pants on, take a few steps, and feel something crawling down your leg! You grab it on the outside so it doesn`t crawl any further....and then you sigh in relief and thank God the dryer sheet doesn`t bite!
FB friends, no one gives a ratsass what concerts you went to...
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
I just sent out my daily text to a random number saying "I hit Zack with my truck. I`m going to need to use your hacksaw to cut him up.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth`s rotation, we were all speeding.
Living out of your car isn`t so bad if you keep telling yourself you`re "on tour"
I never cry over spilt milk. But, beer? That sh!t`s totally different.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a sexy beast.
Shoplifting is just undocumented shopping.