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This rough sex would have been a lot better if I wasn`t alone.
If I ran NASA, it would be mandatory for the ground crew to be dressed as apes when the space shuttle lands.
It`s all fun and games until you find out she`s a psychotic bitch...
I like my coffee like I like my women, hot and a lot of alcohol in them
Sorry, I didn’t get your message because I deleted it without listening.
If your significant other is mad at you, put a cape on them and say "Now you`re super mad!" If they laugh marry them.
Weird is just a side effect of being awesome.
If I was a waiter.. I would plant fake engagement rings in every girl`s champagne glass, just to see their boyfriends panic.
If I look tired at the end of the day, it`s because I just spent eight solid hours looking busy.
The toughest part of a diet isn’t watching what you eat…It’s watching what other people eat.
I tell people that the secret ingredient in my cookies is “love,” but it’s actually “floor”
"They are more afraid of you than you are of them." -people who know even less about me than they do about bears
Not clicking like on this status makes your a$$ look fat.
I am convinced God only created six days and the devil added Monday.
Do a little dance... Drink a lot of rum... Fall down tonight...