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I want to spend the rest of my life photo bombing the Google street view camera shots dressed as Waldo.
I like holding the door for people who are far away, you know so they have to run a little.
Whenever someone tries to get too friendly with me, I like to call them by the wrong name to remind them of where we stand.
The sun shouldn`t be allowed to come out until after your hangover.
I consider anything that doesn`t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
So far today has been a pretty good day...I haven`t had to bite or hit anyone, yet!!
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
Sorry, I`m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk... You go that way.
I was in the gym earlier and decided to jump on the treadmill. People were giving me weird looks, so I started jogging instead.
When your wife`s in labour, never sneak a look at the business end; it`s like watching your favourite pub burn down.
I hate when I put food in the microwave & it starts makin explosive noises so I check and it’s cold like why you gotta play me like that.
There was a HUGE spider in the shower.. So I ran into the living room screaming naked.. Now my daughters` friends probably won`t be allowed over anymore..
What doesn`t kill you, makes you stronger... except for lions, lions will definitely kill you.
When you are on a first date and she says to you: "I want you to treat me like a movie star," it is vitally important to establish which type of movie
I end a sentence with `just saying` because ending with `dumba$$` would be offensive.