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Cannibals don`t drink coffee ... They have a cup of Joe instead.
I just burnt my tongue on my food. It made me realise that it’s the ones we love that hurt us the most.
Sometimes “Girl`s night out” means she has just taken her bra off
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
There is no better sunscreen than sitting inside a bar.
I often wondered what it`d be like to be married to an idiot. I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while...
Would stiff nipples be a good name for my air conditioning company?
For most things there’s MasterCard For everything else there’s Vodka
Your shadow is a confirmation that light has traveled nearly 93 million miles unobstructed, only to be deprived of reaching the ground in the final few feet thanks to you
Please, lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won`t spoil me!
I`ve decided to add more positivity in my life. So, now when I say someone`s an a@#hole, I qualify it with......... but he`s really good at it...........and I`m positive about that!
Would the 2 Sonic dudes just get it over with and kiss already
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
They should`ve added "Might lose a lot of sleep" in Facebook`s terms & conditions before signing up.
Billion dollar idea. A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell "I`m just cooking!"