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Tomorrow is International "Cook a Steak and Then Throw It to a Seagull" Day. Get involved. Don`t question it.
I need to unbutton my pants just thinking about how much I’m going to eat this week.
I once peed a girl`s name in the snow, so don`t fcuking tell me I don`t know romance.
I am not bossy, I just know how to do things the right way.
One day my fridge will take revenge on me by opening my bedroom door every half hour, staring at me for a few minutes and then leave.
If God is a woman then how do you explain: 1) Spiders 2) Shoes you can`t afford 3) Periods 4) Men
A moment of silence to all the kids who can’t wait to become a teenager because they think it’s fun..
They say when you meet the right one you will know right away. But why does it take 3 years to know it’s the wrong one?
My boys cleaned out my car and now my change is missing. Little do they know, it costs exactly $3.63 to turn our wifi back on.
No one understands you better than some crazy weirdos on the internet.
It’s not weird to talk to yourself, it’s just weird when someone else hears you talking to yourself.
I went by the Gym today. Its the third time this week............. One of these day`s I might actually go in.
When I was a kid, there was no Internet. Sometimes people would walk for miles to call me a bastard.
Hey, people who don`t drive *exactly* like I do. Get off the road!
I will admit, my statuses sound a bit different when read aloud by the prosecuting attorney.