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Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance…the five stages of me hitting the snooze button in the morning
I woke up this morning and my "check liver" light was on.
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
I suspect my gravestone will have a pretty serious urine discoloration not long after I`m gone.
Just found a hole in my sock and now I`m worried that the whole drawer might be pregnant.
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
Do you ever get the feeling that you`re being watched? Because if it`s bothering you, I`ll stop.
Gyms are full of people that haven`t found the right couch.
Anyone else sit on the toilet and play with their phone until you realized you have been finished 10 minutes ago?
I will give you unconditional love as soon as you meet my list of demands.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags! She must be losing it! Who threatens someone with a vacation?
Sometimes I wrestle with my demons. Other times we just snuggle.
Some parts of the world use Facebook to overthrow evil dictators. Me? I just want you all to know how delicious my sandwich is.
The true trollers are the ones who troll the trolls.