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When I die, I don`t want to go sober...
She might be ugly now, but wait a few more drinks.
Don`t tell me I have to say "Happy Holidays" so nobody gets offended. I will "Merry Christmas" the sh!t out of you.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, I’m coming to your house with a facking baseball bat.
Friday is like a superhero that always arrives just in time to prevent me from savagely beating my coworkers with a keyboard.
I saw a sign that said "watch for children" and I thought "that`s a fair trade."
I sometimes check my blocklist to see how my prisoners are doing
"There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU." Things I say to my kids when we`re in public.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
I have no idea how I used to look for things in the dark before I had a cellphone.
Confuse your coworkers today by telling them you`re going to the restroom to do a "number 3"
If I ever go missing and there’s a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
No matter where you live, there’s always 1 light switch that doesn’t do anything.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
Shaving your head is the "You can`t fire me because i quit" approach to male pattern baldness.