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Just so you know, the movie "Life of Pi" has nothing to do with dessert.
People should mute themselves on conference calls when they are crossing a battlefield and killing enemies to get to the next level.
There is a big difference between a guy and a girl saying "I went through an entire box of tissues during that movie."
Sometimes I get road rage standing in lines.
Spilling a full beer you paid for is the adult equivalent of letting go of a balloon.
My identity was stolen. I hope they do a better job with my life than I did!
I just let my mind wander, but it didn’t come back yet.
I hope to get to the point in my life where I`m not excited about finding change on the ground.
Google was first named, `BackRub`. If they hadn`t changed the name, we`d be saying, `I don`t know, go BackRub it.`
When it comes to tantrums, I throw like a girl.
is having some serious PMS: Parked Motorcycle Syndrome!
It`s fun to leave a note on the windshield of an expensive car saying sorry I smashed it, but I fixed it so well that you can`t tell.
A homeless man comes up to me asking for change, I say "Change comes from within." He looked stunned.
Best grilled cheese ever!! All I did was add a hamburger patty.
The problem with some people is that they’re alive.