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Guns don`t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
Me:"I had a dream about you." Girlfriend:"Awwwwww." Me:"Yeah, you died."
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
Remember kids- Respect your fathers! Besides, before you came out of your moms, you came out of your dad.
Iām always impressed when I can stump auto-correct...
That awkward moment when you imagine your own funeral...
If you think your wife has a sense of humor, try leaving a trail of rose pedals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes
Men ask us if we`re naked when we tell them we`re taking a bath. THAT`S why they pay more for their car insurance.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back... Without the receipt, apparently.
The differance between flirting and sexual harrassment ... If you`re attrative, it`s flirting.
"I`m tired of you pushing me around and talking behind my back." ----people in wheelchairs probably
Taken names of employees from various stores and calling in sick for them, just to make it feel like I have a job. . .
I still like going into Burger King and ordering a McWhopper and a McFry.
I embraced my inner child today and the lil` bastard bit me!
There are some people in this world who make you totally understand Hannibal Lecter.