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Apparently a good way to get asked to leave the gym is to move a treadmill behind a guy on a stationary bike and pretend you`re angrily chasing him.
Cops don’t like it when they tell you to put your hands up in the air...then you wave them like you just don’t care.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
I am the undefeated champion of this”smooshing-down-the-garbage-so-I-don’t-have-to-take-it-out-for-another-day” game.
If you`ve lost your appetite today, I think I have it.
I hope to get to the point in my life where I’m not excited about finding change on the ground.
Why would I pay someone to scare me at a haunted house when I could just open a can of biscuits at home?
hmmmm...halo or horns today??
If you`ve had cats, the singles virus may already be inside you.
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn`t have toilet paper with aloe.
I feel sorry for people who don`t have dogs. I hear they have to pick up food they drop on the floor.
We should start seeing Valentine`s Day crap in the stores any minute now.
Every time I`m not with my kid and someone asks me "Where`s the baby?" I just yell "Oh crap!" and run in the direction I came from.
Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.