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I`m not sure if I actually have free time or there are things I`m forgetting to do.
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese`s Pieces. Oh, and my wife`s really being a bitch.
I was so disturbed by hearing about all the people using marijuana today that I almost dropped my deep-fried Snickers bar into my 48oz Coke.
So many idiots, so few nuclear warheads....
It`s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
I glued the TV remote to my wife. I`m expecting her to go missing any second now.
After how long is it ok to tell your friends that they are imaginary?
My superpower is getting behind the person who is obviously refinancing their mortgage at the ATM.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Laughter with large amounts of alcohol & wild crazy monkey sex - now that`s the best medicine.
If any of you ladies want pancakes for breakfast, just come over....you can make them here, because I want some too
“The darndest things.” -kids
With names like "Batman" and "Robin", you`d think they could fly...
I live in a madhouse, ruled by a tiny army, that I made myself
"Woo, I`m on a roll today, baby!" -butter
I was asked what I would give the woman who has everything? Well…my phone number for a start.