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Easter can be just as much fun as an adult as it was as a child. Just paint and hide beer cans instead of eggs.
I need to re-home a dog. It’s a small terrier and tends to bark a lot. If your interested, let me know and I’ll jump over my neighbors fence and get it for you.
I wake up every morning with the joy & excitement of wanting to go directly back to sleep.
Three weeks without a signal typo!
H&R Block said I won`t get nearly as much back in taxes this year because apparently the neighbors want to claim their own children.
Think about what last call would look like if Walmart had a bar
If your boyfriend answers your text while playing GTA, he doesn`t love you. He just died on the game.
"2, 4, 6, 8!! Ride my face let`s fornicate!!!" And with that, HR banished me from all future employee picnics.
I have removed all the unhealthy food from my house ... It was delicious.
When your kids become teenagers, it`s important to have a dog so someone in the house is happy to see you.
I feel pretty confident that if anyone ever steals my identity, they will inevitably improve my credit score…
Guy- What`s your sign? Me- Stop
I paid My 11 year old $10 to do the dishes, then on her way to the bathroom I mugged her...because, you know, life lesson.
All of my plans for the future start out with “when I get rich”
No one on Earth has a higher tolerance to cold temperatures than someone who wants to smoke a cigarette.