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Dear therapist, I might actually come see you if your job title didn`t spell out “the rapist” Sincerely, not lying down.
So how long before GoFundMe is our nation`s leading health care provider?
I’ve been waiting for this moment ever since I got up… goodnight!
When my boss says, "women of a certain age" then looks at me, it`s ok to stab her with a letter opener, right?
Being cremated is my last hope for a smoking hot body!
This job fair sucks... They don`t have one F*cking ride...
Tupperware: When you want to throw out your food some other day.
Every member of my family is polite & courteous which I why our pantry has 17 boxes of cookies that contain exactly one remaining cookie
Nintendo should handle education, I don’t remember half the crap from high school but I know all of Super Mario World’s secrets.
Figuring out that you`ll probably never figure it out is the first step of really figuring things out.
Meanwhile on Facebook someone has made a casserole....
If you would`ve told me back in 1999 that we`d still be using animated gifs in 2015, I would`ve said "Wow, what a boring conversation"
FUN FACT: If you take all of the marshmellows out of a box of Lucky Chrams, you`ll have a bag of Purina Cat Chow
The iPad: Because the iPhone was too small for other people to notice you.
The problem with reality is that there’s no background music, so you never really know whether something mysterious, evil or adventurous is about to happen.