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Years ago, my girlfriend said, “It’s me or the beer!” I wonder how she doing…
I woke up this morning and my "check liver" light was on.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, "I don`t think you`re supposed call people that any more."
Laxatives............for people who don`t give a crap.
Note to Self: Next time I leave my wife a message that I`m in a threesome all afternoon, specify it`s golf.
Ah man... i don`t have any notifications... better go check another computer
Now that "twerk" has been added to the dictionary, I can`t wait for a Spelling Bee judge to be asked to use it in a sentence.
This town is about as exciting as watching an M&M melt in the sun.
Sometimes I get so mad at myself for being too lazy that I don`t even do anything about it.
Why,does facebook want to make the likes one gets on their status like a story,like:peter and 500 others like this,click and see james and 499 others like this............
"Mounting debt" sounds way sexier than it is.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
I have a lot on my plate right now. Not busy, just hungry.
A Whoopee cushion filled with gravy adds a hilarious new dimension to a rather tiresome practical joke.
No matter what I get, it’s impossible not to sound like a douche when saying my order at Starbucks.