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Hendrix didn`t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
If you look in the mirror and say "Taylor Swift" three times, she magically appears then breaks up with you. What do u know next? You`re a song!
Hi can you fill this prescription please? Sir this is just a post-it note with `give me the good stuff` written on it.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I`m like "That`s enough exercise for today"
I put ALL my eggs in one basket at the grocery store.... Today..!!
I just made a voodoo doll of myself. Can someone take it to the gym?
You can learn a lot about a woman by watching her load a gun.
Billion Dollar Idea: An app that deletes your phone number from other people`s phones.
This hangover feels like... I should take a shot.
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea...
If Wyle E Coyote had enough cash to buy all that ACME stuff why didn’t he just buy dinner?
I`m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it`s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I`m still better than you.
I wish I had the balls to be a juggler.
I just blew all my party money on bills again
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.