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You all take typos way too serious, you gays.
Multi-tasking: the art of screwing up everything all at once.
Racism, sexism and homophobia make no sense when there are so many perfectly good stupid people to hate.
If abortion is murder then are condoms kidnapping?
The sun isn`t the only thing that rises in the morning...if you know what I mean ;)
You know your phone can take pictures of other people too right? Just checking.
I was late to work because I was having car trouble. And by car trouble I mean I was sleeping and not driving the car.
My bank is the worst. They`re charging me money for not having enough money in my account. Apparently, I can`t even afford to be broke.
My doctor said I’m healthy enough for sex, just not attractive enough.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
I`m the opposite of psychic. I don`t even know what I`m thinking! ;)
Everyone, please... a moment of silence for all my married friends who have a shared Facebook account.
Some guy waved to me and then walked up and said, “Sorry, I thought you were someone else.” .... I said, “I am.”
Car commercials make driving around in empty parking structures look fun and normal and not suspicious or kidnappy.
I`m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.