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Note to Self: Next time I leave my wife a message that I`m in a threesome all afternoon, specify it`s golf.
There are no problems which cannot be solved through suitable applications of high explosives.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it`s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
Legally, it`s questionable .. Morally, it`s disgusting .. Personally, I love it. ;)
Any woman can make you a Millionaire.. You only have to be a Billionaire first.
For Christmas I just want summer...
Just realized all books are different combinations of the same 26 letters. This is BS!
Sometimes I can’t remember what parking lot I left my car in at the mall so I get it Malaysia Airlines…I totally get it.
Have you ever wondered about the look on someone`s face if you hide under their bed and grab their foot in the middle of the night? Just something to think about.....goodnight!
3 Things you need to know: Yes I Have. Yes I Can. Yes I will.
Quick question, ladies: If you shave your eyebrows off and then draw them back on, what the hell are you doing?
I just realized that I haven`t done the "Hockey Pokey" in over 10 years. I guess when you get older, you just forget what it`s all about.
I should be ashamed of myself. Lets be clear, I`m not. But I should be.
When the nurse calls my name at the doctor`s office, I like to run through the waiting room like I got called on The Price is Right
Dear single guys; open a pet shop selling cats. Let the single ladies come to you.