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Long story short, I love summaries.
I saw a piece of chewing gum in the urinal today and thought, boy that must have been really painful.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub. There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
2 out of 3 isn`t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids.
To clear a pop-up ad online, I was just forced to agree that "I don`t care about being healthy and smelling clean."
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
Camping is fun if you`re into pretending that you`re homeless.
Happy St. Patrick`s Day to the fool that gave up alcohol for Lent.
Blacking out when you’re drunk is god’s way of telling you that it’s none of your business what you do when you’re drunk.
cavemen were posting on walls before it was cool
Well ... here I am ... cleverly disguised as a responsible adult!
I did not mean to hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I just figured you already knew.
I got a new high score today ... Sadly, it was on my bathroom scale
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we`d still be talking about how we`re not finding that airplane.
When I am working, I get paid to be nice. I don`t understand why my friends and family expect me to do it for free during my time off.