Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
I don`t ever know where I`m at till I`m there
When I was young I dreamed of saving the world, now I just dream of making through each month.
"Oh Sh!t, Was That Today?" my autobiography
If your dog weighs less than 10lbs, it`s technically a cat
That awkward moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to Bounce of 3 walls, Knock over a lamp and kill a cat.
keeps getting dirty voicemails from unknown numbers. If it`s you.. Send more
In a 500-day period I could theoretically meet someone, get married, have a baby, and get divorced–and yet I’d still be using the same box of Q-tips.
My living room is pretty much a fat camp without rules.
Can you imagine how sexy I`d be if I ate right and took care of my body... I`m not going to, but can you imagine
Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.
I tell my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
Be careful when you`re watching a movie with your wife. You`re gonna get blamed for whatever the guy in the movie does.
Fun Fact about me: The drunker I get, the more karate I know.
My Son: The marriage vows say "tell death do us part", so we are not married in heaven ? Me: That`s right son, cause if we were still married, we`d be in hell.
It was so cold out today i actually saw a few gangsters with their pants pulled up.