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If I was a mortician I`d tie the shoe laces of dead people together, so if there ever was a zombie apocalypse it would be hilarious.
I`m just going to put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
i don`t care if u don`t like me ........... i am not a facebook status:D
Hardest thing in life: Trying to look happy when no money falls out of your birthday card.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong...
My favorite all time cooking shows: 1. Iron Chef 2. Hell`s Kitchen 3. Breaking bad
I have a tremendous sex drive ... My girlfriend lives 25 miles away.
If a Jehovah`s Witness dies and goes to heaven...does God hide behind the pearly gates and pretend he`s not in?
Next time a guy says he wants to fight you, just say "not in that outfit!" and roller skate away
Pretending I`m a pleasent person all day is exhausting
Homes are 750 square feet larger today than they were 30 years ago. Unfortunately, so are most Americans.
Are you bored? Go to someone`s Facebook wall, Scroll down 4 months and like something.
You`re the type of person who didn`t rewind the Blockbuster VHS...
If you have a problem with me please write it nicely on a piece of paper, put it in an envelope, fold it and shove it up your a$$.
Tip of the day: Don`t be a douche!