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I don’t like being told what to do…unless I’m naked.
Let´s drink tequila till you don´t remember what I suggest next..
My girlfriend and I have an open relationship and will continue to do so right up until she finds out.
facebook cuz am too old to have imaginery friends
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator, where I couldn`t reach them. Then leave chemicals right under the sink.
Let me just flip this here omelette.... aaaaaand I`m having scrambled eegs
Do you ever feel like you`re in Season 5 of your life, and the writers are just doing outrageous stuff to keep it interesting?
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
I lost my mood ring today. Not sure how to feel about it
When your boss says "You need help", he never means a hitman.
Work is one long game of back and forth emails with cleverly disguised f*ck you`s.
I start every morning with a simple affirmation: I will not murder anyone today.
I dont hate you but, if you put `just about to jump off a cliff` as your facebook statuses i would poke you
To settle an argument, think about why you are wrong and why she has boobs.
Apparently “finders keepers” does not include expensive cars in parking lots.