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I have no words to describe this day. I do however have a number of obscene gestures that would work.
As soon as the Zombie Apocalypse hits I`m grabbing a sledgehammer and heading down to the local cemetery for the greatest game of Whack-A-Mole ever.
If electricity comes from electrons… does that mean that morality comes from morons?
If anybody tells you you’re putting too much Parmesan on your pasta, stop talking to them. You don’t need that negativity in your life.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Today is "find your active cavity at 50% off" day at your local store.
Screaming out "BOOM PREGNANT!" during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
?”Nobody listens to me….” – Yellow traffic light
Save water- shower with me!
"Truth or dare" should be renamed to "Interrogation or Humiliation"
LIFE always offers you a second chance,its called TOMORROW
The fastest way to find out if your wife is just pretending to be asleep to avoid sex is to pick up her phone and start scrolling.
The plans I make after work are in direct proportion to how much charge I have left in my phone battery.
My friend is showing me her new vegan handbag. I know vegans can be annoying, but should we really be making accessories out of them?
In life you will meet all sorts of people, happy, moody, shy, loud, weird, and then there`s me So deal with it mmuhaaaaaaaahaaahaaaa that`s right !