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My salad pic. got more likes than your selfie.
I swear I heard my dentist whisper "yolo" as he reached for a chisel...
Yes I`m still bitter about my name not being mentioned in "Mambo No. 5"
At the end of the day, life should ask us, ‘Do you want to save the changes?’
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people. “Alright, get in the basket”
Why is it that the most interesting things in life usually aren`t in our best interest?
What age is the best to break it to my kids, that they`re NOT adopted?
Don’t bother flirting with the girl from accounting, she knows how much money you really make.
All I`m saying is, you`ve never seen me crying and eating tacos at the same time
Relationship status: running out of films on Netflix.
Why did the mushroom go to the party because he was the fungi
I hate it when people upload song lyrics as their status`s it reminds me of somebody i used to know
I don`t make enough money to go on vacation so I`m just going to get drunk this weekend until I don`t know where I am.
Whenever I feel all alone in the world, I remind myself that I`m a valued customer at several grocery stores.
I`m just amazed after all these years that we STILL haven`t seen Mario`s buttcrack.