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The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.
Apparently, you can only say "Look at you! You got so big!" to kids. Old girlfriends tend to get offended. Who knew?
Watching game shows is like watching porn, you get excited watching someone else get lucky
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten. When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that sh!t.
Happy National hear fireworks all day and night set off by Drunk People you wouldn`t trust with a Glo-Stick Day.
Under no circumstances shall a call be made to another male after 2 a.m., unless its to get bailed out of jail.
Good things come to those who wait ... Which explains why I`m always late.
The guy who named the "chimichanga" should be given more authority to name things.
My motto is "Never say never." Which makes it difficult to tell people my motto...
People who peel the entire banana before eating it must be the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
Gently placing your finger on someone’s lips and saying, “Shh, not another word,” is super romantic but cops don’t seem to think so.
I had my Crayola guy re-run the numbers,,, and there`s only 36 shades of grey
If you mix vodka, orange juice and milk of magnesia... Do you get a Phillips screwdriver?
The good thing about listening to a new song is that it doesn’t remind you of anyone.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.