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If you keep doing what you´ve always done, you´ll keep getting what you´ve always gotten.
Momma left strict instructions to knock you out.
Apparently "Fat Tuesday" doesn´t constitue telling fatties they´re fatties.
Not all country music is terrible. If you can get past the lyrics about trucks, mud, farms and cows... It`s actually not too bad.
Bad news, guys. Throwing a cat through a wall doesn`t make a funny, cat-shaped hole
I can`t fall asleep because I am too excited for Christmas
I`ve written my own book called 50 Shades of Gravy. It`s very saucy. :D
Dear Toilet Paper Makers, We`ve all unexpectedly run out at some point. Please make the tube in the center softer. Thank you...
If cats could talk, they`d probably always be correcting your grammar.
I need to borrow someones kid for Halloween. I miss free candy.
I`m tired of being the better person. One day I`d like to be the bitch that they claim I am.
One of my best talents is pretending to like people. Unfortunately, I only show it when no one`s around.
I`ve accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.
People go on and on about the length of Subway`s sandwiches but how come nobody talks about their girth?
My ex was an absolute treasure and by treasure I mean you`ll need a shovel and map to find him.