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There are no bad pictures. That`s just how your face looks sometimes.
My coworkers should be less concerned about my job performance and just be happy I remember to wear pants each day.
I clean my house like everyone else ... 5 minutes before someone comes over.
trying to do something before the microwave is finished is sort of like trying to complete the countdown maths problem on countdown...
I almost got raped in jail last night. My family takes Monopoly very seriously.
I always get a nice safe feeling whenever I see a police car and I realize I`m not driving around with a trunkful of cocaine.
Where there`s a will I want to be in it
Eat breakfast: Check...Pay Phone: Check...Conquer the world: Still Pending...
It`s so cold out I`ve turned 50 Shades Of Blue!
Singing in the shower is illegal according to this Ikea security guard.
My house was clean yesterday, sorry you missed it.
I`m optimistic that within my lifetime it will become acceptable to wear your underwear to the supermarket.
Get ahead of myself. Sometimes I
I was just thinking…Then I thought “why?”... So there will be no more thinking today.
When parents on Facebook post about how they can`t believe their kid is going into whatever grade, write "No way! I thought for sure he`d be held back!"