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My retirement plan is just $1,000 & a plane ticket to wherever these kids are living on 15 cents a day.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please scratch between my butt cheeks..I`m in public.
My father was never proud of me. One day he asked me, "How old are you?" I said, "I`m five." He said, "When I was your age I was six."
Alcohol free beer is like ... orgasm free sex
Sex ed class should be listening to a baby cry for 5 hours while watching the same cartoon on repeat.
45 minutes on the treadmill is no big deal if you don`t turn it on
High fiving was the original "like".
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
For all the parents with kids starting school I just want to say congratulations. You made it through another summer without killing your children!! I am proud of you all!!
If you mix vodka, orange juice and milk of magnesia... Do you get a Phillips screwdriver?
Guys be like, "Lets play 21 question." Girl: Ok, what`s your favorite color? Boy: Triangle, so you a virgin?
Some people wonder why I never like or comment on their posts. It’s because I unfollowed you a long time ago.
I swear, if Facebook changes their layout one more time, I’m going to post a status update about it & then use their site as much as always.
The problem with reality is that there’s no background music, so you never really know whether something mysterious, evil or adventurous is about to happen.
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It`s simple. If it`s clean, it`s on the floor. If it`s dirty, it`s on the floor over there.