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If you allow your pets to roam free in our neighborhood, I`m gonna put party hats on em. This is non-negotiable.
Those Box Tops that raise money for schools really should be on wine labels and cases of beer.
my 2012 new year’s resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either rum, vodka, or whiskey.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it`s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
I bet Snowmen think it`s weird that the ground is completely covered in their skin.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex. I know I`m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
I wonder if Batman knows that other cities have crime, too.
Thoughts of you make my demons nervous.
I can`t go to sleep if any of my apps need to be updated, but will drive my car with the check engine light until it explodes
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you, would actually kill me
If idiots could fly this place would be an airport.
I`m super lazy today. Which is like normal lazy but I`m also wearing a cape.
Lets just skip the fight and go right to the make-up sex.
It should really be called teethpaste.
New Game: Attach a mustache to your TV. Drink every time it lines up with someone`s face.