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Was the little pig who decided to built his house out of straw some sort of f***ing idiot?
I changed the audio of my GPS to a man`s voice. Now it just says "It`s around here somewhere. Keep driving for a little while."
If I was Neil Armstrong landing on the moon, "That`s one small step for man," would have been, "Screw you every girl who ever shot me down!"
Guys if a woman shaves hers legs she wants you to touch them..... You just have to make sure she knows You.
What happens in Vegas never happens to me
All I`m saying is that if you were a real psychic palm reader you would of made me wash my hands first.
whenever I take my clothes off the shower usually gets turned on
If your cup is only half full, you probably need a smaller bra.
You say Iām not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If Iām not cold, Iām hot. I know Iām hot. Thanks for embracing it.
My motto is "Never say never." Which makes it difficult to tell people my motto...
PRO TIP: If you walk around the mall hitting kids in the face with the shopping bags, your wife won`t make you carry them.
Why do we even ask rhetorical questions?
I`m going to start tackling random guys in football jerseys saying "look how he`s dressed. He was asking for it!"
Everyone picks their nose at some point, it`s what you choose to do next that defines who you are as a person.
Next time you ride on a roller coaster, take some spare bolts with you and just as it starts to move, tap the person in front of you and say, "these just fell out of your seat."