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Your baby was cute until I realized you’re on the same flight as me. Now your baby is stupid.
Nothing says "I mean business" like bringing a shopping cart to the liquor store.
Roses are red! violets are buckets. This poem makes no sense. Snot.
Procrastinating is just enjoying all the side quests in life whilst you delay the main quest story mission
After a while you just get used to people not understanding.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn`t come as such a disappointment.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said "I will text you when I get home". I think she`s homeless.
My motto is "Never say never." Which makes it difficult to tell people my motto...
I ordered a pizza when my wife went into labor. Thad ad said, "buy a pizza, and get free delivery.
I was born at a very early age.
Just sneezed 8 times in a row and saw the entrance to Narnia for a split second.
You have no idea how funny I am to me.
Garage sales are the gateway drug to Walmart.
Every Girls Night Out has at least one crier.
I used to be poor. Then I bought a thesaurus, and now I`m impecunious.