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Advantage #46 of being single. I have entire closets that are completely empty.
My idea of heaven consists of all of the things I`d go to hell for.
The filling in this fortune cookies tastes like paper...
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten. When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that sh!t.
I will have you know I have FRIENDS! All 10 seasons.
Just noticed there`s no comma in "Bed Bath & Beyond" and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
I’m going to the gym because I heard they have free weights. I wonder how many they’ll let me take?
I want to grow my own food but I can`t find any bacon seeds.
Touch my food and suffer the consequences.
My mother always used to think that my friends were bad influences. ..I wonder if she`s figured out yet that I was the one coming up with all the ideas? ;)
Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
Am I the only one who closes the silverware drawer with an epic pelvic thrust?
When you introduce clapping to your dancing you might probably be too old to be in a night club at 1am.
Fast food places should have a third window, where you can trade in the wrong stuff they gave you at the second window.
If Wal-Mart ends up selling mortgages, the trailer market will explode.