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When I`m bored, nobody texts me. But as soon as I`m busy, BAM! ... still nobody texts me.
In post apocalyptic movies everyone wears leather ... but there are no cows.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn`t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
I love to do housework in the nude. Unfortunately for the neighbours, today I`m roofing.
According to the law it`s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 7 am is sexy... Then yeah, I`m your guy.
What supermarket did the pilgrims visit to purchase their canned gelatin cranberry sauce? I want my Thanksgiving to be authentic.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it`s up to you.
Haters gunna hate,potatoes gunna patate!!
My New Years resolution is to stop procrastinating so much.
I love updating my Facebook status while crossing the stre
If you can make a woman laugh, you`re almost there. If you`re almost there & she laughs, now that`s a different thing.
I think I might be bisexual. Because last night I had sex by myself.
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would`ve been a lot more interesting.
I`m gonna just take a quick nap before I go to bed.