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I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
I`m sick to death of these letters from the City of College Station bullying me to mow my grass! If Walmat can prepare for Christmas 3 mths in advance why can`t I do the same for Easter!!!??
FACT: Candy corn is made out of melted down traffic cones.
Wine with crackers and cheese is basically just the classy version of beer and nachos.
I bought my Ex a chair ... But the state won`t let me plug it in.
When a woman asks you to guess her age, it`s like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb.
The secret of enjoying a good wine: 1) Open the bottle to allow it breathe. 2) If it does not look like it`s breathing, give it mouth-to-mouth.
Government shutdown day 8: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
I`ve come to the point where I don`t even procrastinate anymore ... I just don`t do it.
The naked truth, is always better than someone’s best dressed lie.
I always win at chess ... by hitting my opponent with a brick.
Just finished building Rome with Legos. Took me a day.
Once my ex knocked on my door & then shouted that it was her, so I texted “im not home” then seconds later I texted “if u happen to be here”
Our swear jar is always empty because of all the god damn foul mouthed thieves that live in this f*cking house.