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I bet the "YMCA" dance is a lot harder to do in different languages
Just did 100 crunches. Crumbs everywhere.
I typed bitch into my GPS and guess what? I`m in your drive way. Vroom, vroom mother f*%ker.
Is it "I febreezed my crotch" or "I febroze my crotch"?
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
Imagine how much faster Olympic sprinters could run if they saw their wives going through their phones at the finish line
You should get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep... 9 if you`re an ugly bitch...
The most expensive part of having kids is all the booze I drink.
Just convinced my Mom she won`t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn`t see Teen Wolf first.
If you go for a jog and you don`t post it on Facebook, have you really jogged?
One day I hope to understand the phrase "more money, more problems"
I wish Monday was a figment of my imagination.
If you are offended by the words "In God We Trust" on your money, then send it to me. I don`t mind it at all.
Want to watch a nerd have a melt down? Tell him that you just bought an Android Ipad.
I`m starting to wish I were a werewolf so I`d have a better reason for waking up nude in public with no memory of how I got there.