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When it comes to bug protection, you just can`t beat "OFF!".
At least men and women agree on one thing, they both don’t trust women.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
"..::. :.:.. ::...: .:. :.:: ::.: ..::. :: ::.:..." - Stevie Wonder-
I like to smile at people who don`t like me because I`m an asshole
That awkward moment when you open a fortune cookie and all you get is some vague, cryptic statement that`s not even a fortune.
Just printed out 50 copies of today`s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I`m just not in the mood for small talk.
A friend came over visibly shaken. He said he had just slept with his 3rd cousin. I told him, if it upsets you that much quit counting them.
My mom likes playing this game called `yell from four rooms away and get upset when I can`t hear her`.
It`s never good when Human Resources sends you an email and the subject line is "Your Facebook Activity".
I`d care more about your feelings if they came with a toy and chicken nuggets.
Two can play that game...` -people who dont understand that`s how games usually work
If each day is a gift, I wonder where I can return monday.
If you read my entire Facebook timeline from the beginning, you can witness my descent into madness
Halloween is great because kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal