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My new home security sign : "EBOLA QUARANTINE" - Deters salesman, thieves, and neighbors.
I don`t have ADD. It`s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
There are times, when I actually am hungry like the wolf. But thanks to Duran Duran I can`t tell anyone without sound like a complete f*cking idiot
3 wishes for when I find a genie: 1. The more I eat the skinnier I get 2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist 3. Other kid owns a winery
Be thankful your GPS doesn`t get PMS: “Fine! Turn whichever way you want! You never listen to me anyway!”
The reason grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup are such a great combination is because they are the same basic ingredients as pizza.
If time does not wait for you, don’t worry. Just remove the battery from the clock and enjoy life.
Boobs are like model trains. They were originally for children but grown men always want to play with them.
I really don`t know what the big deal is about Black Friday. I black out every Friday....
I need a fixed income. Mine is broken.
The Swiss must’ve been pretty confident in their chances of victory if they included a corkscrew in their army knife.
"I" before "E" except after "Old MacDonald had a farm"
I`m super lazy today. Which is like normal lazy but I`m also wearing a cape.
My friend won a trip to China. He´s out there now... trying to win a trip back.
I wake up everyday planning to be productive. Then a voice in my head says, " hahaa, good one!" Then we laugh and laugh and take a nap.