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Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Hey NSA, we all know you`re there now. So click the approve on my Candy Crush ticket request.
You`d think Pizza Hut would be able to upgrade to a house by now.
looong and hard, yep thats my pencil.
I love a woman in uniform. I mean naked.
What is easier to pick up the heavier it gets? Women hahaha
When cleaning my house: 1% Cleaning 30% Complaining 69% Playing with stuffs that I just found
I use a blender to make protein shakes in my office every day. That way when I use it to mix up a pitcher of margaritas no one even notices.
Remember, you can always run from your problems. Unless your problem is a Cheetah.....then you`re screwed!
Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it`s up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with!!
According to maxipad commercials, all women are full of blue windshield washer fluid...
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
my stomach just growled and it sounded like it said... `Droid`....
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
You ever want to just grab someone and say, WTF is wrong with you?