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I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
Sometimes it`s nice to know karma is still a feisty little b!tch.
Some people need to calm down, take a deep breath and then hold it for 20 minutes.
I fell asleep on the couch last night & woke up thinking I was married.
I wish I could afford to be as weird as I wanna be.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn`t know you did that for fun.
There are two types of people in this world: people who pee in the shower and liars.
I`ll just admire you from afar.. Or 500ft. That`s what this paper says.
My favorite drink is the fullest one on the table.
"Latte" is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
I`m the kind of friend who will help you hide a dead body, but if you betray me, just remember: I know how to hide a dead body.
When the only light in your world is suddenly gone …it’s time to recharge your phone.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy. I came back drunk.
Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today." Woman: "EXCUSE ME?!" [whispers]"Dear Diary, I think she can hear me."
The waitress asked if I was done with that, I said yes but I`m married to it.