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Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
Before I got married I didn`t even know there was a wrong way to put the milk back in the fridge
If I had a time machine, I would just keep going back to bed.
When I hear someone say, "chicken pot pie," I get excited three times.
Why does the alphabet need to be in order anyway
When I think of you I touch myself ... On my temples ... You give me a migraine.
Sticks and stones, break my bones, but hollow points expand on impact!
What do they give the person that has everything? antibiotics
i wish i could sleep ... but my damn A.D.D. kicks in and basically 1 sheep, 2 sheep, cow, turtle, duck, Ol McDonald had a farm, HEEEY Macerena.
Their bedroom door is closed. I better walk in there for no reason. - kids
Guys say that women should come with instructions, but what`s the point. Have you ever seen a man read instructions?
Iām sorry for what I said when I was hungry.
I have a PHD (Pretty Huge d*ck)
i`m my own therapist...which explains so much.
Did you guys know that turning up the radio fixes almost all your car problems?! Crazy.