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Everyone around me keeps telling me I`m mean ... Which is absurd ... Plus, they`re ugly.
Only thing harder than quitting cold turkey is quitting warm ham. It`s delicious.
I still water my dead plants every 3 months. Just in case...
Why is this dude chatting with Jake from State Farm at three in the morning anyhow?
Don`t put off until tomorrow what you can avoid the rest of your life.
Hello...
On a scale of 1 to "Me".. how smart are you?
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
Wearing my pajamas to Walmart. I don`t want to attract any attention.
Don’t confuse my personality with my attitude. My personality is who I am. My attitude depends on who you are.
I bet Bruce Wayne sometimes accidentally signs his credit card receipts “Batman” when he’s drunk. I know I do.
More funny statuses will be posted here soon
If they made a movie of my life, it would just be a lot of scenes where I`m looking for something to wipe my hands on.
I hate it when I open Facebook and miss a week of work.
Not to brag, but, I`ve already consumed 174% of my daily fat requirement.