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Nothing is impossible. I know a man that once guessed correctly why a woman was mad at him.
I`m a spontaneous procrastinator
Huge spoiler here ... Did you know Dave is actually NOT the real father of Alvin, Simon, and Theodore.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
I don`t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Tonight’s forecast. Mostly drunk with a slight chance of passing out.
What idiot called it "best man" instead of "lord of the rings"
I wake up every morning with the joy & excitement of wanting to go directly back to sleep.
Do you know what sexual position produces the ugliest children? ... Go ask your mother.
If u cant live without me, why aren`t you dead yet.
If history repeats itself, I´m totally getting a dinosaur.
I’m supporting our troops today by going commando.
Just found out the government won`t hire you past age 37. Scratch Navy SEAL off my to do list
I have a pornographic memory... Go ahead and get naked, I`ll remember you.
People with no money sure do have a lot of pot.