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Your baby was cute until I realized you’re on the same flight as me. Now your baby is stupid.
Most of being an adult is marveling at the date and saying how fast the year is going by.
I`m not feeling myself today ... would you do it for me?
A recent survey of one person revealed that 100% of me thinks I should skip work tomorrow.
Every time I see a preview for Hoarders, I grab the closest thing to me and immediately throw it away.
Of course I plan to seize the day ... Eventually.
Fun game for parents: Scream in horror the first time your child loses a tooth.
You haven`t truly made it on YouTube until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
If your that person that makes microwave popcorn at work, nobody likes you.
You’ll never be as young as you are now.
God is testing me today, but I don`t think he realizes I`m a `C` student.
I’m writing this from the hospital. Don’t worry! The doctors say I’m going to be OK but I must warn you. The Dyson Ball Cleaner has a very misleading name!
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
Sure, I`ll show up at your Halloween Party... I`ll be coming as the invisible man....
I`ve got worms !!!! ......... worms in me garden