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Going to drink straight from the carton because I`m a badass!
If I won the lottery, I don`t think I would change much. I`d still be the same asshole, just one in a helicopter.
The guy that discovered milk...What was he doing to that cow?
TEIAM - problem solved
Google was first named, `BackRub`. If they hadn`t changed the name, we`d be saying, `I don`t know, go BackRub it.`
If you`re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
Anything can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
Doc: ``Hows your headache ?`` Me: ``She`s at home``
The Internet: where no one is afraid to say the first thing that pops into their head.
All my passwords are protected by amnesia.
Maybe one day a loooong time ago a kid decided to play hide and seek with his pet Bigfoot but just didn`t explain the game properly.
Parts of my body are turning 50 Shades of Gray
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
People who say they suffer from constipation are usually full of sh!t.