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A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When i quized him on it, he reckoned he could stop aaaany time . . . .
In some ways I’m just like a dog…. I can’t be trusted around unsupervised food.
Guys, Everyone. Listen. I`m going to say two words that will change your lives. Pizza Tacos. I know. Just breath.
What if all this time it`s been Chicken that taste like Frog legs????
I just don`t have enough middle fingers for today.
The trouble with children is that they´re not returnable.
Nothing says you are ugly like Facebook asking ``Are you sure you want to make this your profile picture?``
Accidentally walking through the camping aisle at Target every once in a while is about as outdoorsy as I get.
I think it`s about time Taylor Swift wrote a song called "Maybe I`m the Problem"
It’s amazing what I’m able to get done when I need to do something else.
You know why it`s called almond milk? Cuz you can`t say nut juice with a straight face
According to the police, public masturbation is not considered a "street performance". Even if you have a hat on the ground on front of you.
"Please take a seat" was a bad introduction for a Kleptomaniacs` Anonymous meeting.
I need a new bad decision.
I party like a rockstar. A very poor rockstar who isn`t in a band.