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We still don`t know sh*t about that airplane. - NEWS
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
If someone doesn’t stand up to let you pass them in movie theater seats, it’s totally cool and legal to fart in their face as you walk by.
nothing says i love you like, "im going to buy you new duct tape for your taillight, what color you want? "
I`ve grown up a lot recently. For example, I used to drink beer all day and now I drink wine.
My daily routine: Wake up, be awesome, go back to sleep.
Me: *kisses her on both cheeks goodbye* Cashier: That`s really not necessary
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I`m trying to unlock it more than two times, I`m driving off without you.
I can`t wait to find my soul mate so I can start sleeping on the couch.
Walking out of a store after not buying anything and thinking, “try not to act like a criminal, try not to act like a criminal”
You know what the trouble about real life is? There`s no danger music.
The one thing you can always count on is your fingers.
When I was a boy, Mom would send me down to the corner store with $1 and I would get 5 bags of potatoes, 2 loaves of bread, 3 bottles of milk, some cheese and 6 eggs. You can`t do that now, to many damn security cameras!
Just read someones status, "Today is the frist day of your life," Thats just stupid, mine was over 45 years ago.. If it was the frist day of your life you wouldn`t be able to read it... Dummy
Folgers got it wrong. The best part of waking up is going back to bed after you pee.