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I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it`s a website to find love. So I was close.
I force my dog to watch animal abuse commercials just to show him how good he has it.
“They dared me to” is ALWAYS a valid excuse.
I can`t wait for a empty Christmas wrapping paper tube to bonk someone over the head with!
Just...sitting...thinking...planning my next move to get that new roll of toilet paper about 5 feet away from me.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
I was going to get married, but my wife refuses to sign the divorce papers
If I owned a pet store Id put a different rat in the turtle cage every night just to see if any of the turtles knew karate the next morning.
“The darndest things.” -kids
Live For Today… Plan For Tomorrow… Party Tonight!
I would of read and liked your status if it wasn`t like 3 pages long.
"No! Don`t leave me! I need you! Nooooo!" I say as my laptop cords slowly slides off my bed onto the floor.
Soon ovens will come with webcams and wireless connections so that posting photos of your dinner will be even easier.
I swear July only lasted like 3 minutes
My Wife asked, "Would you like a romantic interlude?" I said, "Does a bear crap in the woods?". Wish I`d just said `Yes`, she`s been on Google ever since.