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Arguing with a woman is like buying a lottery ticket, you`re proably not gonna win, but you`re sure as hell gonna try!
People who think I’m not a religious person should see me when the airplane starts to shake.
When I become president I will make Monday a part of the weekend.
What did the Japanese man say to the other Japanese man? Something in Japanese,
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who`s sick of her bullsh!t.
You know it´s going to be a bad day when your horoscope starts with.. "Are you sitting down?"
Think of a number between 0 and 20. Add 40 to it. Multiply by 2. Subtract 3. Now close your eyes.... It`s dark isn`t it.
That awkward moment when you tell your parents something funny, but it turns into a life lesson.
I hate lying to kids but my daughter asked me what twerking was and I told her it was when identical twins go to each others` jobs
I copied and pasted your pic of what you ate...and got MORE "likes" than you did. :P
Fun Fact: You can win all arguments with your man by putting on yoga pants and walking away.
You can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn`t come back, what you`ve lost is a normal pigeon.
I put the whiskey in another room ... Exercise regimen established.
Sharks aren’t so bad. If some stranger entered my house wearing only a Speedo, I would probably attack him too.
My local news station says it gives us " news when it breaks " ...I want unbroken news!!