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Boobs are a lot like train sets, they were meant for kids, but dad always ends up wanting to play with them.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
Driving with your gas tank door open is the equivalent to having your zipper down.
I see you`re busy. I`ll come back later and ruin your free time.
Be thankful for stupid people, they make it easier for the rest of us to get ahead in life.
I`m going to hell in every religion!
I`m just going to put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
Every now and then when I`m in a room alone I say out loud, "I know you`re listening". If I`m wrong, nobody knows. If I`m right, I just freaked the hell out of some guy.
The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.
Most people don`t think I`m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Why do people say “nice to meet you” before I’ve even said anything? How do you know it’s nice to meet me? I’m a jerk.
So can we just skip to summer now?
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
I`m saving all my good posts for when I can think of some.
Common sense is like deodorant....The people who need it most never use it.