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I don`t go to bars anymore, but I miss some things about it. So sometimes I wait outside my bathroom for 15 minutes when I`m dying to pee.
Conspiracy theory for conspiracy theorists: Your conspiracy theories were planted by the government to distract you from real conspiracies.
I don`t care about your choice in politics, religion, or taste in music... I judge you simply based on football team preference
Please, if I ever offend you, it’s because I meant to.
I really like my new electric toothbrush, even though sometimes, I still break out the acoustic.
When someone yells stop, I don`t know if it`s in the name of love, it`s hammer time, or if I should collaborate and listen.
This coffee would work better if I could throw it at people.
is clapping his hands and stomping his feet because he is happy and he knows it.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up alongside him and say, "It`s okay, I think we lost him."
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people.
It only takes a few seconds to show someone how you feel about them,The police call it indecent exposure but whatever...
Designated Driver is just a nicer way of saying, you can come with us, but nobody wants to deal with your drunk a$$.
Ignoring things don`t make them go away, it makes them drunk dial you.
The problem with money is too much of it belongs to people who aren’t me.
Showed the kids here how to eat corn-on-the-cob typewriter style........ Now explaining typewriter.