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The pollen levels are so high this year that it has the crackheads trying to convert their meth back into Sudafed...
I want the job where you push scared skydivers off the plane.
Damn it. I missed the number of the day on Sesame Street and now I don`t know how many pills to take.
I lent my girlfriend ten grand to get plastic surgery, and now she left me and I don’t know what she looks like.
Tire rotation? Nice try, mechanic! I rotated my tires like a thousand times on the drive over here.
Simply amazing how one word spoils the whole sentence: I’m getting laid.....off.
Its funny how your friends change , Meet new people and forget about you . :( But just know i`ll still be in your heart?
Don`t judge. Maybe I`m conducting a study of the effects of prolonged laziness on a human body. You don`t know.
Accidentally walking through the camping aisle at Target every once in a while is about as outdoorsy as I get.
I saw my ex girlfriend broken down with two flat tires this morning which made me late for work... Nine times I drove past before she noticed me laughing at her.
The guy behind me honked a nanosecond after the light turned green. So I put on my flashers and here I sit, tweeting about the whole thing
When I ask a girl I like why she and her ex broke up and she says "we just didn`t work out" I already know I have no chance since I hate working out
Some tattoo artists need to just say, "no, I`m not doing this sh!t."
I just wish the automatic paper towel dispensers were half as sensitive as the automatic flushers.
Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.