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Just made a bunch of money by standing outside a party and charging $3 to enter ... I don`t even know who`s party it was!
Live today like it`s your last!! But pay your bills and use a condom just in case it isn`t.
I`m pretty sure whoever coined the phrase " rise and shine", doesn`t do it anymore.
When I get a call from an unknown number I answer by whispering: "It`s done, but there`s blood everywhere!"
Unless you fell off the treadmill and smashed your face, nobody wants to hear about your workout.
Gaining weight while you owe me money is a sign of disrespect
You can tell a man`s age by how close their socks are to their knees.
The well behaved rarely make history.
Putting on deoderant and colonge because you haven`t showered in days, is as about as useful as shutting the lid on a toilet after its overflowing.
Ahh, Spring. When the days get longer and the dresses get shorter!!
You know why it`s called almond milk? Cuz you can`t say nut juice with a straight face
Even if gas prices go down, I´m still going to siphon gas from my neighbor´s car because I like the adrenaline rush and he´s an a$$hole
Vodka can be mixed with anything, including more vodka.
Before Walmart you had to buy a ticket to the fair to see a bearded lady!
Actions speak louder than words, unless those words are spoken by a drunken woman.