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Taking a nap is so risky. Like, when will I wake up? 30 minutes from now? 2 hours? 12 years? No one can be sure.
I keep myself in good enough shape to outrun most women and children during emergencies.
I will write something profound ... subsoil!
I had a terrible dream about mufflers and now I`m exhausted.
Can`t reach it. Don`t need it.
Sometimes I miss being in a relationship, but then I look at my wallet and I feel alright again.
Bring me the heads of my enemies!! or some cupcakes ... whichever.
you know that awkward moment when you think someone`s talking to you so you reply to them and then they look over at you with that disgusted facial expression that says "wtf ..no"
I never met a teenager driving a luxury car that I didn’t hate.
I`m a very modest person, mostly because I`m awesome.
Why is there a show called "When animals attack"? It should be called "When stupid people go near dangerous animals."
A date with Destiny.. Cause strippers need lovin` too.
Never buy crystal meth from a guy with a full set of teeth. He`s obviously an undercover cop.
Didn`t have to do much to end my last relationship...she first told me that "opposites attract"...then a couple of days later she told me i was handsome, kind, smart, funny and loving...
I always have a note in my pocket that says "john did it" just in case I`m murdered because I don`t want him to remarry