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Love is grand. Divorce is 100 grand.
How long does it usually take for a Happy Meal to start working?.... It`s been an hour.
What doesn`t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
I was bored of doing the same thing day in and day out,so I phoned the "Local Ramblers Club"....but the guy on the other end of the phone just went on and on and on!
Parallel park, like nobody’s laughing.
"This is the ride that killed Jimmy." - me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
figured out today that my GPS has auto-correct....I put in "Beach house" and ended up in my ex`s driveway.
What’s a drunken pirates worst nightmare? A sunken booty with no chest.
If I say “it’s a great day to be alive,” it’s because those are literally my only plans.
So I`m giving up drinking. Hard liquor. On Wednesdays. In June. Next year. (Maybe.)
All the good ones are either taken or imaginary.
When you turn 21, you can legally do all the things you`ve been doing since you were 15.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you`re really clingy and annoying
The drunker I get, the more dance moves I know.
To help reduce cost, this status was typed in china.