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A stranger at Walmart just coughed in my face, so I`ve probably only got two, maybe three, days to live.
I had s*x with my friend`s wife last night and now I feel awful. She must have had the flu or something.
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of planes.
Your duty as a friend is to LIKE my Facebook posts even if they suck.
Everyone is gifted......But not everyone opens their present
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it`s a small soft drink.
I forgive and forget, because I have a good heart, and a terrible memory.
Just because someone`s richer or more famous or talented doesn`t mean they`re happy. It just means they`re happier than YOU.
When in doubt, procrastinate.
They say you are what you eat, though... I don`t recall eating a sexy beast today
Apparently a teen in Brazil died after jerking off 42 times without stopping. So incase you were wondering. ...41, guys,...that`s the limit.
When parents on Facebook post about how they can`t believe their kid is going into whatever grade, write "No way! I thought for sure he`d be held back!"
I think the lady at the movies is "shushing" me, but I can`t tell because I`m eating Doritos.
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It`s simple. If it`s clean, it`s on the floor. If it`s dirty, it`s on the floor over there.