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Have you hugged you bartender today.
I keep forgetting how bad my memory has become..
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
I hate it when I don`t forward a chain letter and I die the next day.
My "Do Not Disturb" facial expression is not working today.
When a couple asks me for directions,I know that the wife is forcing the guy to ask.That`s why I give them wrong ones to teach her a lesson.
I can´t wait for summer. One of my highlights of summer is talking into the fan to hear my robot voice.
Home is where I can look ugly and enjoy it.
Sometimes there just aren’t enough curse words.
What makes fancy green beans fancy?
Last night I got so drunk I blacked out for two hours, but then I realized I’d just put my hoodie on backwards
Given enough coffee, I believe I could rule the world.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
I’m positive that somewhere out there exists a video montage of me dancing alone in various elevators.