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I love finding money in my clothes. It`s like a gift to me... from me. :)
If someone says you used too much butter or cheese on something, stop talking to them. You don`t need that kind of negativity
Don`t ask me how my night was coz I don`t know. I was asleep.
Every Scooby-Doo episode would literally be two minutes long if the gang went to the mask store first and asked a few questions.
I wonder how many people`s phones out there have my name saved in contacts as "DO NOT ANSWER"
I`m getting so many spam emails. “Grow Your Hair Back”…”Lose weight now” …”Enlarge your manhood”… Wait… these are from my wife.
A man made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind ... And now, we wait...
Don`t you just a hate it when you stumble into bed drunk only to be nagged by someone screaming "Get out" or "You live next door!"
I don`t understand interventions. What`s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of reasons why I drink in the first place?
Those who tell you not to run with scissors are just trying to steal your scissors. Run.
Chinese food to go: $16.84. Gas to go get it: $2.62. Getting home and realizing they forgot one of your containers: Riceless.
A three hour long movie adaptation of pages 74 and 75 of the Hobbit? Friggin count me in.
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there`s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
I want to meet the guy whose complaint led to cashiers asking me if it`s okay if they put the receipt in my bag.
That horrible moment when the TV commercials are so long that you forget what you’re watching…