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Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
If your house doesn`t have house numbers on it, you need to address that situation.
Stalking is such a strong word. I perfer the term surveillance expert.
I used to have a life. Then some idiot came along and said "Why don’t you make a Facebook account? It`s fun".
If you ever get a flat tire, take a picture of it on your phone so for future reference you can use it as a valid excuse.
Shouldn`t we get paid to use the self-service checkouts in supermarkets? It`s like we work there for a little while.
If you think buying condoms is awkward, try returning them...
My grandparents still use encyclopedias to google stuff.
The only person that can procrastinate more than me hasn`t even been born yet.
received a call saying that my son had been lying in school, and was being expelled. I don´t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar.
Sometimes, even I`m afraid of the things my mind comes up with.
I get very competitive at "All You Can Eat Buffets."
I drink my coffee out of a clear mug so people know where my tolerance level is at.
I just had Déjà vu...and you were an asshole both times.