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The first to apologize is the bravest. The first to forgive is the strongest. The first to open the vodka is the smartest.
I thought I was having déjà vu, but it turns out I do the exact same things every day.
You know you`re getting old when you`re looking forward to some time off so you can have like three doctors appointments.
Why isn`t there a reality show called "Security Cams of Walmart?"
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
I would’ve slept my way to the top years ago if it actually involved sleeping.
People who eat grapes are impatient alcoholics
Parts of my body are turning 50 Shades of Gray
I want to grow old and disgusting with you.
They`re called `selfies` because the only one who`s interested in them is yourself.
Facebook should make it to where it says, `Went from being in a relationship` to `Problem solved.`
If a turtle doesnt have a shell, is it naked or homeless ?
That awkward moment when your trapped in the corner of your shower because the hot water ran out.
All I need right now is a hug ... And five hundred thousand dollars in cash.
You had me at Rice Krispies Treats