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I hit a new low today and used a cheat code on Wii Fit
I`ve been spending so much time on Facebook, that I forgot the internet has porn.
Hell hath no fury like your kid catching you throw away ANYTHING, EVER. I smuggle out broken crayons like a Mexican drug lord..
My wife wants to have more kids but I don`t want to have to learn anyone else`s name.
Some people should be ticketed for wearing spandex
Love means never being able to like another girl’s selfie on Instagram ever again.
Life gets expensive when you trust a cute woman.
No toilet paper.. goodbye socks
I bet it’s pretty hard at a mime’s funeral to figure out when the moment of silence is over.
It must be really hard to judge wet t-shirt contests. I saw one recently, and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
I have an amazing psychic ability to find objects just before people lose them. Unfortunately, the police call it theft.
All my life I thought air was free… and then I bought a bag of chips. ^^
When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it’s $4.95 a minute.
My favorite exercise is somewhere between a lunge and a crunch. It`s called lunch.
How many days in a row do you have to wear the same clothes until you’re legally a cartoon?