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Got in touch with my inner self this morning. That`s the LAST time I buy single ply toilet paper.
I hate having to work for a living. But I hate starving even more.
Instead of cleaning my house I just watch an episode of hoarders and think " Wow my house looks great"
North West? Im confused i thought Kim Kardashian gave birth to a child not a compass
Apparently, 4 people die every year trying to put their pants on... - me, explaining to my (ex)boss why I went in with no pants
Maybe the reason the world keeps making idiots famous is because 75% of the world is made up of idiots.
I don’t use Siri because I have to deal with enough women who have no personality and know everything.
Facebook should have a limit on times you can change your relationship status... After 3 it should default to "Unstable"
Walking out of a store after not buying anything and thinking, "try not to act like a criminal, try not to act like a criminal."
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent ... I would have to say it’s the kids.
Serious question: Are doctors sure erectile dysfunction isn`t just a side effect of being married & bangin the same woman for years & years?
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
You call it camping. I call it getting drunk with insects.
How many times do I have to say "excuse me" before "get the f*ck out of my way" becomes acceptable?
My wife looks super hot without glasses. That’s why I stopped wearing them.