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Bored? Update your Facebook to “in a relationship” with someone you’ve never met just to see if they’ll confirm.
I have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible. But pissing off everyone is fun and easy.
There`s nothing better than a nap after a good nights sleep.
The guy who decided how to spell bologna was clearly in over his head.
I`d watch NASCAR if Hot Wheels designed the tracks.
Dear God, thank you for all the animals, and plants, and insects, but were spiders really necessary?
I`m not necessarily saying that I am or am not a super hero, but I do occasionally stand with my hands on my hips.
My roommate is going on a date tonight.. He said he`s convinced she IS coming home with him.. I`ve covered his room in Justin Bieber posters.. Now we wait..
Being fat = Lowers your chance of getting kidnapped.
I hate brushing my teeth at night because that signifies that you cant have anymore food and im just never ready for that kind of commitment
I need chapstick on my lips ... anyone want to share ?
Work is one long game of back and forth emails with cleverly disguised f*ck you`s.
If stress burned calories, I’d be a super model.
I`ll never fall in love untill and unless love falls on me!
You can always tell if a guy masturbates a lot by looking at his hands. If you look closely, you’ll see a wedding ring.