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I would like to discuss tennis but I wouldn`t want to cause a racket
I`m thankful for many things, but mostly that there were no camera phones when I was in high school.
Perverts can contribute to society. Look at the disturbed individual who discovered cow`s milk.
Why do guys go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. There`s like 10 women to each man and they`re already there looking for things they don`t need.
Still hoping that one day I get to ride a kayak while it’s strapped to the top of someone’s car.
You don`t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
A homeless man comes up to me asking for change, I say "Change comes from within." He looked stunned.
Taking a nap is always so risky like when will I wake up... In 30 minutes? in 3 hours? in 9 years?? no one can be sure
I was planning on doing something today, but I haven`t finished doing nothing from yesterday.
Diet Tip #63 : Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour.
I’m no Dr. Phil, but I bet if you tell at least 5 people to f*ck off today, you’ll feel better.
It`s always the darkest before dawn. So if you are going to steal your neighbor`s newspaper that`s the best time to do it.
Fun fact: Deciding where to eat is the leading cause of divorce
Sometimes.. late at night... I fill my bathtub with tomato sauce and pretend I am a meatball.
It is impossible to look cool while holding onto a leash attached to a dog who is taking a crap.