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i joined new gym yesterday. i did 3 sets of selfies on each machine
Holiday Shopping Tip #112:Next time you see someone with their arms full of bags looking around a parking lot while pointing and clicking their horn button, help them out and start pushing your horn button too!
Santa must be the bravest man around. Who else would let a bunch of deer pull them around in a sleigh during hunting season?
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
The best way to deal with dumb people is to never leave your house sober
I wonder how many people`s phones out there have my name saved in contacts as "DO NOT ANSWER"
Always thought the 4 words I never wanted to hear from my wife was "I want a divorce". Turns out its actually, "What is your password".
Why did you have to take a half naked picture in front of a full length mirror to show off your new haircut?
Do you ever dislike someone so much that you hate when people are nice to them?
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule
I miss the good old days..when you could slam the phone down.!!
Being in hot water isn`t so bad if you throw in some bubbles and a glass of champagne.
I`ve run out of things to be upset about. I hope Justin Bieber has kids soon.
Women are like bacon: they look good, they smell good, they taste good, and they will slowly kill you
Dear iPhone, Please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.