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My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.
Omg!! got 6 numbers on the Lotto.. and the stupid machine didn´t pick any of them
It hurts when you goto unfriend someone only to discover they beat you to it
You know when you`re exercising and feel like you could keep going and going? That`s happening to me, only with beer.
Nothing changes a Facebook relationship status faster than a weekend full of tagged photos!
I believe in helping the homeless. That`s why every year I buy a new refrigerator and throw away the box.
If I was a waiter.. I would plant fake engagement rings in every girl`s champagne glass, just to see their boyfriends panic.
If today were a fish, I`d throw it back.
In order to get my teenagers attention I shut off the WiFi router and wait for them in the room it`s in.
I`m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
In my experience, temporary insanity can last a long time.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
Im really not just some idiot with nothing better to do with my time, I just play one in FB.
Bartenders are basically professionals that we hire to poison us very slowly in creative ways.
I went for a run tonight. Sure, it was a beer run but, I was still sweating by the end.