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"My phone`s about to die." -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call
I`m getting a mistletoe tramp stamp.
I would like to say to all my 500+ facebook friends, that i love each and every one of you..except you number 371..your a real a@@hole!!
Lots of people waiting in lines today. Did a new iPhone just come out?
Please don`t hastag out loud...
My favorite thing about marriage is sharing a house with the person most likely to murder me.
This one isnt that funny, keep scrolling.
My nickname is Gilette because I`m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
If you want to see exactly how angry a person can get, tell them to "calm down" when they`re already pissed off.
For every idiot proof system devised, a new and improved idiot will arise to overcome it.
"When I grow up, I want to marry a man addicted to video games" ~ No woman ever.
Sleep is just a symptom of caffeine deprivation.
You know you`re a mom when someone says they have a stomach ache and you ask if they pooped today.
Starting to think my wife might have a tumor. She`s had a headache for the past 15 years.
Today, 2 year olds can unlock an iphone, open and close their favorite apps. All by themselves. When I was that age, I was eating silly putty.