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Some people are like water balloons; they`re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Driving would be much more entertaining if there were no yellow lights.
There`s no life problem that a good "F*ck this shit" can`t solve.
"10 Totally Epic Reasons Why You`re Going Straight to Hell" - 2013 version of Ten Commandments
I`m glad it`s finally hot enough to complain about how hot it is.
If you have no regrets in life, you clearly have never gone out with me.
If I was supposed to share them, they wouldn`t be called nachos.
Sorry I can`t go out tonight, I can`t find anyone to cover my Facebook shift.
Most days the best thing about my job is that my chair spins
I`m high as a kite! Let me rephrase that: I`m stuck in a tree.
You should be required to read a book for every 10 selfies you take.
Going to a bar where "everybody knows your name" sounds terrifying.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, "I think it`s Santa Claus!" so I don`t have to get up.
The guys at Home Depot must take classes to know exactly what I meant by "the little thing next to that one piece with the round thing."
scientific fact: never tell a woman she`s crazy unless you want to see crazy.