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Watching someone else play a video game is like watching someone who won`t let you join in while they`re masturbating.
Ha = I didn`t find that funny. Haha = That was funny. Hahahahaha = I want to sleep with you.
If you never set it, you always have the excuse, "I overslept because the alarm didn`t go off."
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger. So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex`s car.
I’m giving up on the silent treatment. ...Going to start talking to myself again.
Everyone talks about leaving a better planet for our kids. Let`s try to leave better kids for our planet.
You haven`t truly made it on YouTube until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
Life is like “Facebook” – People will like your problems & comment; But no one will solve them because everyone is busy updating theirs.
Marriage lets you annoy one special person for the rest of your life.
Nothing makes me more nervous than getting FB msg saying, “You’ve been tagged in a photo” after a crazy weekend.
The toughest decision I will make today is bottle or draft.
Gaining weight while you owe me money is a sign of disrespect.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels? - Bfanch
So how many pokes does it take before its considered a heavy petting?
My dog is eating. I`m sitting next to her, staring intently at her, making her obviously uncomfortable. Yeah, how`s THAT feel, mutt?