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Sometimes all you need is $500 million dollars.
It`s Thanksgiving. Don`t forget to set your scale back 25 lbs
Remember when the world ended last year?
I wish I could have the Price Is Right audience around whenever I`m making important life decisions.
“Nevermind.” Translation... You should’ve listened the first time.
I`m an optimist. To me, the glass is always half alcohol.
People be like… I will love you unconditionally on one condition.
I am not saying you are stupid, because I thought you already knew
It really pisses me off when I plan a conversation in my head and the other person doesn’t follow the damn script.
Hate it when I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket and it’s not even in there.
Gently placing your finger on someone’s lips and saying, “Shh, not another word,” is super romantic but cops don’t seem to think so.
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn`t eat.
People who enjoy life, rarely have a flat stomach.
The problem with some people is that they’re alive.
I just hope people who say "Jesus is my co-pilot" realize he`s a 1st century carpenter with no time in a flight simulator.