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Turns out fantasy football is nothing like I thought it would be. Anyone interested in a naughty quarterback outfit? Serious inquiries only.
If you surround yourself with people funny enough to make you laugh till your abs hurt, you’ll never have to work out!
I would leave my house a LOT more if I could take the couch with me and wear my pajamas.
Dear Alcohol, Will you be my valentine? ?
I`m looking up in the sky and I have no idea which cloud has all my data
Went looking for camouflage underwear today.....couldn`t find any
Find someone you`re good at.
Whoever left me in charge of my own destiny has a lot of explaining to do.
You know you are the ugly one if they ask you to take the photo.
Behind every good selfie is approximately 47 nearly identical pictures that didn`t make the cut.
Don`t have sex man, it leads to kissing and pretty soon you will have to start talking to her..
FUN FACT: If you take all of the marshmellows out of a box of Lucky Chrams, you`ll have a bag of Purina Cat Chow
People who really love their jobs are annoying. Keep that sh!t to yourself.
New Game: Attach a mustache to your TV. Drink every time it lines up with someone`s face.