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If you`re going to be a d!ck.. At least be a big one.
If you`ve never played Tetris, you`re probably useless at loading a dishwasher
Some people say having a child is the best experience in the world. These people obviously never had 2 thing fall from a vending machine at once.
If I had a time machine I`d set it to "back in the day", just to see what everyone is talking about.
The Walking Dead reminds you that other people would still be your biggest problem even if most of them died.
Here’s the thing about work: I really don’t feel like doing any.
Facebook- to help future generations discover if there`s ever been any mental illness in the family.
You should be required to read a book for every 10 selfies you take.
First thing I do in the morning: Look at the clock and hope I have more time to sleep.
Can I tell you how terribly grateful I am that no one had cell phones, iPads or digital cameras when I had to squaredance in P.E.
If you try to fail but you succeed which have you done?
Always look your best, cause you never know when your family is going to surprise you with an intervention.
Today I sent out a text saying, “Hey, I lost my phone, will you call it?” 12 people called me…I need smarter friends.
Step aside coffee… this is a job for booze.
Sleep is just a symptom of caffeine deprivation.