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Am I the only one who calculates how much sleep I can get before I go to bed?
roses are red , violets are blue , I got five fingers and the 3rd one for you ;)
Teaching your dog to fetch a beer is smart. Fetching it from the neighbours house is genius.
If there were "Box Tops for Education" on cases of beer, my kid`s school would be rich.
Apparently, 4 people die every year trying to put their pants on... - me, explaining to my (ex)boss why I went in with no pants
They say when you meet the right one you will know right away. But why does it take 3 years to know it’s the wrong one?
Sometimes it’s just better to buy new Tupperware than to risk opening the leftovers.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think "that`d be a great name for my new baby!"
If Mary Poppins floated in on an umbrella today, they`d shoot her out of the sky with a drone.
Just picked the remote up off the floor with my feet while lying on the couch, so I guess today was leg day...
It`s remarkable how much I can get done out of sheer spite.
If I was famous I would just knock on peoples doors and be like ... Hello, yes it`s me.
roes are red violets are blue he`s for me not for you if for any chance you`ll take my place i`ll use my fist and smash your face
Why must I prove I`m me, if I`m callin to pay my bill. Do strangers call to pay my bills? If they do, then let them, you idiots!
Hoping to get "till death do us part" reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.