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I just poured myself some iced tea. I could have sworn I heard one of the beers in my fridge whisper "What the F*ck!?"
Don`t blame me. You`re the one following a 41 year old man who just jumped into his bed like an Olympic athlete because scary monsters.
I hate girls who insert the phrase "my boyfriend" into every conversation. So does my boyfriend.
If I saw a ghost, I would not be scared. I`d be like "Sit your translucent a$$ down, I have a lot of questions!"
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I remind myself that you cant always trust Google maps
FACT: Every zoo is a petting zoo, if you’re brave enough.
Eat breakfast: Check...Pay Phone: Check...Conquer the world: Still Pending...
I`m out of bacon. This is my suicide note.
A few bad decisions really liven up a boring day.
A new heavy metal Christian Rock band will soon be releasing their debut album. They`re called Nuns `n` Moses.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don`t think this relationship is going to work.
Is anyone else`s alcohol tolerance too high for their paycheck?
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it`s your neighbor`s window and they`re calling the cops?
Random Fact of the Day: Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.
I`m doing a charity gig tonight for people who struggle to achieve orgasm. Don`t worry if you can`t come