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I’m beginning to believe that successful relationships come down to Netflix compatibility.
Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
I’m not a marketing expert. But if I was selling milk, the cartons would be boob shaped.
When I try to fold fitted sheets it looks like I’m in an infomercial that’s exaggerating how difficult it is to fold fitted sheets.
"This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall." - Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
One day you will meet someone so amazing in every way who will want absolutely nothing to do with you.
I only like clicky pens when I am the clicker.
You`ve got to love yourself. But not in public places.
You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can`t flick your friends out the car window
I can`t possibly f*ck up the entire universe, so that`s a relief.
I want to grow old and disgusting with you.
was going to argue with you...but then I remembered I really didn`t care
Talking to me this morning is like trying to dribble a ball with not enough air in it.
I use these ( ... ) a lot. For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
Please be careful on the roads. Lots of people are drinking exsessively and letting their wives drive.