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My kids think I`m uncool like I thought my parents where. Time to get even! ;)
Steve Jobs is now working with God to make iWife... Beauty with brains and Mute button
why are the foods you want eat late at night in loud crackling wrappers?
I went to the bank and said I`d like to open a joint account. They said "With who?" I said "Anyone who has a lot of money!"
People should seriously stop expecting normal from me...We all know it`s never gonna happen
Well aren`t you a f*cking waste of two billion years of evolution.
And now it`s too hot outside to take down the Christmas lights
When I`m not sleepy, I listen to some Chris Brown. That knocks me out right away.
Netflix is a lot like facebook in the way I just waste time scrolling and scoffing at things.
I think it’s funny when dogs hide under the bed when they’re scared. I’m like “you idiot, that’s the first place monsters go!”
"Dora" only rhymes with "Explorer" if you`re from Long Island, New York
I wish I could google "things to eat in my fridge" so I wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed. ;)
“Let’s eat, get drunk and watch people exercise” – sports fans
Just burned 3 calories typing this with my thumb muscles. #fitness
“I need to stop,” I whispered as I clicked next episode.