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I hope Mexico doesn`t raise the cost of Tequila to pay for this wall.
Why don’t television shows say, “You will be delighted to know that this program contains strong sexual content?”
Home is where the pants aren`t.
This girl says she wants me to butter her muffin.. I don’t even know what that means but now I’m hungry.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
I`m not a gamer, but I can be as lazy as one.
There was a HUGE spider in the shower.. So I ran into the living room screaming naked.. Now my daughters` friends probably won`t be allowed over anymore..
I can`t wait for Taylor Swift to break up with a black guy, so she can write a rap album!
The funny moment when a fat kid says "that`s how I roll".
The older I get, the more I sympathize with Squidward`s anger.
Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
You might call it lazy ... I call it selective participation.
Apparently telling the airline stewardess that airplane food is "da bomb dat hijacked my tastebuds" is not considered a compliment......
Most of the lies I tell aren`t even true!
"You`re going to love my friend. He`s hilarious." is still the best way to know you`re about to meet an annoying person.