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I feel like I could give a great NBA locker room speech. "Guys, we`re all millionaires, none of this matters."
Life is basically trying to meet better people than the ones you currently know.
The only time I use the word “selfie” is when I am describing my sex life.
Sometimes I wish I was full of pizza instead of emotions.
I just burned 1200 calories! I forgot about the pizza in the oven.
I’ve never considered myself much of a conspiracy theorist. Then I discovered the letters in Frito Lay could be rearranged to spell Oily Fart- Coincidence?… I think not!!!
My favorite part of the movie The Notebook is where I turned it off and watched Terminator 2 instead.
I hate how after an argument I think of really clever stuff I should have said.
I`ve never done any mistake twice... three, four times may be!
I was standing in front of the mirror earlier, admiring my six pack for hours. But it got really warm so I put it back in the fridge.
Anybody else have those FB friends that set up a FB account 4 years ago and posted once or twice and hasn`t been back on since? And you wonder how they can exist without a Life?
FYI: You can buy wedding cake even if there`s no wedding, those suckers don`t even check
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
Try trick or treating in spandex... I`ve seen how much it can hold.
If your life ever seems boring just remember that you are on a rock floating in outer space.