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You know you are old when your parties have glasses instead of red plastic cups.
Silence is Golden, except when coming from children… Then you’d better go check to see what’s broken.
Yes, I know why you pulled me over. I didn`t see you in your little hiding spot over there, so I couldn`t slow down in time.
You millennials and your obsession with public healthcare. Back in my day we just died
If you have a dog grooming business and it’s not called “Doggie Style” then something is wrong with you.
I like to go to the bar and flip peoples license plates upside down, then go home and listen to my scanner.
When a girl tells you that she just had her period, you are officially in the friendzone.
If life was easy, we wouldn`t need alcohol.
The song "Take me out to the Ballgame" is sung almost exclusively by people who are already at a ballgame.
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for "coffee," first make sure she has coffee, you don`t want to get up there and there`s no coffee.
I live in a madhouse, ruled by a tiny army, that I made myself
It`s a good thing the gas station is open today...... I still have time to do my Christmas shopping.
I`m tired of hearing about Republicans this and Democrats that. For Christ`s sake people, don`t you realize on July 15th the Twinkie comes back?!?!?!?!
That`s it!! I`m never drinking again until tomorrow.
My method of going "offline" in FB chat is to just ignore you.