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People who can finish a shampoo bottle at the same time as their conditioner are truly ninja`s.
Door bells should be made illegal in commercials. Pet owners know what I’m talking about.
I`ll tell you what a woman wants. She wants you to drag her to the bedroom, toss her down, and do the dishes and laundry while she takes a nap.
It`s just a mater of time before bathrooms will eventually be called Selfie Rooms
At work hitting the escape key...... Nothing is happening, im still here.
Cool thing about winter is after grocery shopping your car can double as your refrigerator.
Maths teacher: If you have 12 chocolates and you give 5 to Mary, 3 to Claire and 2 to Elizabeth then what will you get? Me: 3 new girlfriends.
I think sharks eat people just to be on tv.
My Ex updated her status to "standing on the edge of a cliff" So I "poked" her!
When people tell me that I’ve changed, I want to shake them and tell them: “And so should you!”
Whoever said “two wrongs don’t make a right” has obviously never experienced McDonalds breakfast after a night of binge drinking.
I know the light has changed twice people but I`m playing air drums until Moby Dick is over...sit back and enjoy the show please...
To avoid being eaten by Zombies go to "settings", "public", and uncheck the box that says "Facebook users taste like chicken"
Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”, all I hear is “I know where you can buy drugs"
You actually are not the stupidest person on the planet. But if he were to die...