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I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
If at first you don`t succeed ... I just lie and say I did.
What is it about a car that makes people think we can’t see them pick their nose?
I got this new calorie counting app ... Every day I go for a new high score ... Winning!
I want a doorbell that makes the sound of someone knocking on the door.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That`s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
If love is blind....why is lingerie so popular?
Me being rude: Shut the f*ck up. Me being polite: Please shut the f*ck up.
It`s time for all of us to admit the "endorphin rush" you get after exercise is just an overwhelming sense of relief it`s over
I read Facebook for the pictures.
Life hack: If you keep your mouth shut, no one will know you`re so stupid
You know one thing i really like about you is that you dont like anything about me.
Beer: The WD40 for conversations.
Facebook should have an "I`ve seen enough" button.
Ever wish the choice you made and the “right thing to do” were the same thing?