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Feeling tired as you struggle to get through the day? There`s a nap for that.
They say love is in every corner... my life must be a f*cking circle!
On the bright side, all that coal will keep me warm this winter.
You really understand how drunk you are when you`re peeing...
I feel so stupid for cashing in my retirement account early. But then I always feel stupid using the Coinstar machine.
You`d think Pizza Hut would be able to upgrade to a house by now.
I have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible…but pissing everyone off is easy and fun as hell!
You can’t choose your family, but you can ignore their phone calls.
Caterpillars have it made. They eat a lot, go to sleep, then wake up beautiful.
The first rule of the OCD Club is to have a second rule so there is an even number of rules.
Just washed my car with the squeegee at the gas station.
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
We welcome the Christmas season at my house by putting out more towels that I am not allowed to touch
Is there really a need for constipation medicines and stool softeners in a world where burritos and tacos exist?