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Nothing is more dangerous than a woman “gathering her thoughts”.
If you’ve ever used Urban Dictionary to compose or decipher a text, congratulations, you`re over 40.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Dropped my cheeseburger in the dirt before I ate it. That`s about as organic you`re gonna get out of me.
Hell hath no fury like your kid catching you throw away ANYTHING, EVER. I smuggle out broken crayons like a Mexican drug lord..
Spoiler alert: I unplugged your fridge.
If you`re going take a bathroom picture, at least clean it off. I can`t see anything through all the toothpaste.
Admit it, at some point in time you’ve tried to see if you had superpowers.
You never know how dirty a song`s lyrics are until you hear a child sing them.
The nighttime, sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, stuffy head, fever so I can rest medicine didn´t work. I´m going to try 1 bourbon, 1 scotch and 1 beer instead.
Born free. Now, I’m expensive.
Nothing is impossible.. Never Give Up.. I know a guy that once actually guessed correctly why his girlfriend was mad at him.. :|
I`m on my 5th coffee, just in case you`re wondering about the "other way" to get to Narnia .
I love watching women`s beach volleyball. There have been two wrist injuries so far, but I should be ok by next week.