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Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday. Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
During Sex you burn as much calories as running 5 miles ... Who the f*ck runs 5 miles in 30 seconds.
"You`re better than that" is almost never true
You make me have filthy thoughts, and for that I thank you...
Facebook Stalker! If you just felt a sudden twinge of guilt then yes I`m talking about you.
Accidentally missed the freeway exit for home, now Iām heading north to start a new life.
I bet the first person that heard a parrot talk really lost their sh!t.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain realizes what I`m doing.
When one door opens & another one closes, your fricking house is HAUNTED!
If you`ve ever wondered why an animal is stupid enough to run into oncoming traffic on the highway, then you`ve obviously never been married.
Some mornings I feel like leaving my coffee until its cold enough that I can just pour it directly into my eyes.
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn`t use Real dinosaurs.
My bed is half full - Lonely optimist.
I hate it when I open Facebook and miss a week of work.
Shout out to ATM fees for making me buy my own money.