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I think the only way I’ll ever be motivated to go to the gym is if I’m in prison.
I`ve reached that time of day between "coffee wearing off" and "murdering my co-worker."
According to physics heat makes matter expand.....therefore I don`t have a weight problem....I`m just hot
When I`m sad, I sing...Then I realise my voice is worse than my problems.
"Let`s give the bad guy a ponytail." - 80s movies
No PornHub, I would NOT like to share this video with my friends and family on Facebook.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
I think I`m approaching my "best if used by" date
Yes Officer, I carry a knife, but that`s just in case I find a cake.
Note to future self: Tequila is a liar. You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
It’s funny how “You’re so funny” turns into “You think everything’s a f*cking joke” in just 3 months…
I just watched my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes and thought, "Wow, dogs are easily entertained." Then I realized I just watched my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes.
Somewhere in the world right now, somebody is buying a house based on its potential for great bathroom selfies.
I`m good at counting cards. I keep ending up with 52.
A good friend will bail you out of jail. A great friend will be handcuffed next to you saying that was fun