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I don`t think I could love any person as much as I love BACON... Mmmmm Bacon...
[takes out checkbook][clicks pen] Alright, how much to make these Bit Strips to go away forever.
Why fall in love when you can fall asleep?
Me: You`ve dimmed the lights already, aren`t we forward? * smiles suggestively * Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
I really need to clean the house, but I`m thinking it`d be a lot faster to burn it down and start from scratch...
Apparently, when people say "I could use a hand" it doesn`t mean they want to get slapped in the face.
Pro tip: Do not make snow angels in a dog park.
As a matter of fact, the whole world does revolve around me.
For the record, you`ll need a turntable needle.
I like long walks on the beach and drives through Taco Bells drive-thru.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
I`m at my neighbor`s house having the most delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home!
My road to success is under construction and all the workers are out getting sh!tfaced.
Work is one long game of back and forth emails with cleverly disguised f*ck you`s.
Just bought a car with the money from my swear jar.